(trigger warning for scary and graphic dreams!)
About six months after I decided to really dedicate myself to working with spirits (before I knew there were spirits that weren't human) I was struggling with the idea of totally opening myself to all spirits. I had helped several friends through giving them messages from spirits, but I knew that more were showing up as I made myself known to them and I began to see that not all spirits were the cookie-cutter sweeties that the first few I worked with were. I had/have a fear of gore and pain and so on and I found that some spirits that hadn't quite passed on yet wanted to show me the form they appeared in when they died...... i.e. with horrific wounds that were enough to make me feel like puking. :W
: I was teetering on the edge of a precipice where if I worked with more, I wouldn't be able to go back and stop seeing them..... and then I had that dream.I was with my family and it was really snowy outside, and the roads were dangerous. We were on our farm and had to go to another family member's house, and even though I insisted that it was too dangerous, my family insisted on driving on the icy roads. I was sitting in the back seat, and a spirit told me that when we came to a fork in the road, we HAD to take the long way on the left side. I told my family and they laughed and refused to believe me..... and immediately as soon as we picked the other side, we went off a bridge and died. It was a horrific death scene and I felt it all. Multiple broken limbs, and my family was dead in the car around me and I sobbed, trapped in the car, until I froze to death. (Eek!)
Shortly after I died, I became aware that I was in a big black room that was incredibly huge and I couldn't sense the boundaries of where I couldn't see anything, but I sensed a great presence with me. I don't know if it was a god or a spirit or what, but I got the feeling from it that I hadn't done what I was supposed to and had to do it again. I couldn't ask any other questions before I faded away again and woke up in my bed..... the date was the same as it had been when I'd woken up the day I'd died, and my family came in to tell me to hurry because we had to go. I was supposed to relive that day again....... but something nagged at me that I couldn't change what would happen even if I wanted to because I didn't know if I was supposed to or not. I was supposed to relive it again, but I didn't know if that meant dying again or changing the outcome.
All the way up until we were approaching the fork, things went the exact same and I panicked inside. I didn't want to die again and be stuck reliving such a horrific death. And at the last moment, I told my family that we HAD to go a different direction, and made them listen. The second we went the direction we hadn't picked the first time, we slid off the road into a ditch.... but no one was hurt.
I was anxious because I had changed what was supposed to happen that day, but when we returned home and I went to walk to my room (at the end of a long hallway that the washer/dryer sit in), as I walked down the hall I saw someone sitting on top of the washer watching me. As I got closer, I realized that it was me. The other me, the one who had died.
Her neck was broken and twisted kind of strangely, and bones were exposed from compound fractures. She was covered in bruises and cuts, though she didn't bleed. She was a spirit.
As my hair stood on end, I kept walking (nowhere else to go but to and past her since it was a narrow hallway), and she beckoned me closer. She didn't open her mouth to speak and I got the sense she couldn't. She had a calm expression, not happy but not negative in the slightest, waiting patiently for me to get closer.
Facing the anxiety I did when awake about acknowledging scary-looking spirits, I struggled with whether or not to just walk past her -- and just in time turned to face her. She stared into my eyes sympathetically, and beckoned for me to lean forward closer to her. I shuddered in fear as she gently placed her hands on my shoulders, and she raised her eyebrows as if asking permission to move forward. I nodded with reservations, but when she leaned forward we sort of... overlapped? and I could her hear (my) voice in my head.
She told me that I'd done the right thing, and if I could survive even my own death, then I would be fine -- that things will get better. Her time was over and I had to take over from here. She did remind me that I couldn't go back from here, but that it was how things were supposed to be. She said some other things too but I can't remember what exactly.... I wrote them down in my Book of Shadows and Spirits but don't have it here :lol:
It is rather weird and creepy to meet alternate selves 0vo Meeting an 'evil'ish shadow self would freak me out though. I can handle a physically maimed Caoimhe but one that knew all my fears and wasn't afraid to exploit them? eep
