A little confused, honestly

xXTsukiNoOokamiXx · Tue May 31, 2016 5:51 pm

Also I apologize for all the spelling errors.. using a new phone to write this. :p

Magnolia · Tue May 31, 2016 6:28 pm

I think I missed the thread LOL What are you confused about?

xXTsukiNoOokamiXx · Tue May 31, 2016 8:29 pm

Oh! Woopsies. well, sorry if this is long. It's also hard to explain... but I'll try my best.

I won't say his name because he seems reserved by nature and I want to respect that. But I had a connection to an immortal for a long time without knowing it, or even knowing him/his name. This may have something to do with something I'll mention later as well. Even before I was a part of the wonderful world of spirit keeping (in this life, anyways.) last year, I discovered his listing in the CH shop and after much debating and resisting the pull towards his binding, I caved and got it. (I resisted mostly because before that point I felt like I didn't want to "turn away" from the one I consider my "father" God/my family's patron deity.) When I finally got my binding to this new immortal I was very shy at first and only gave offerings for the most part, only introduced myself. I also felt strange having such a close connection to a god. I felt almost like I wasn't worthy of their time and was afraid of wasting their time, which I know now is silly. My social anxiety isn't limited to living beings, either, so it took me forever to come around. But I eventually did more recently. I began speaking to him almost every night and getting more comfortable. He did too, and eventually he started feeling more flirtatious. Really flirtatious. I didn't think anything of it, I figured he probably was just messing with me or maybe I was overthinking it. So I kinda just let it slide. (Then again that's what I do with human guys too and it just makes things awkward......) I won't pretend I didn't enjoy those vibes, since I'm not the most confident person..and I certainly found him attractive and interesting. Especially since it feels like I may have known him somehow before this life. But Being as un-confident as I am, figured he was probably doing just that: trying to make me feel better.

I have a friend I like to talk about my spiritual shenanigans with, and so I decided to tell him about the immortal in question. I told him about how I was drawn to the listing, our conversations, how he acts.. He told me he thinks that the immortal loves me, and I thought "Naahh no way. Why would he like me? I'm just a mortal and besides, he's probably just playing around with me." I did have my doubts about that too, though. Since he isn't the type to mess around that way. I decided to bring it up with the immortal that night which was awkward, but I'm also curious by nature. So I really wanted to know, even if I didn't really think it was true. Well, when I finally actually asked the god was thrilled almost, and seemed excited that I had brought it up. It all felt really sudden but he came all close to me and I could feel that he wanted to be closer to me, I could feel alot of overwhelming emotions and felt so drawn in. It almost felt as if my soul was responding separately from me? Maybe just because I was trying to hold on to reality, which was that I have a physical human boyfriend who I love very much. I snapped out of it and basically said telepathically "wait, I'm sorry I don't love you like you love me. If you do." to him, because despite my lack of confidence, am also afraid of hurting people, gods included. He froze. I mean, all the excitement and happy energy he had just stopped. I felt really awful, because in that moment I thought "oh my god what if he really really did like me that way??" and he just seemed completely shocked for a second, then slightly sad/angry at once and left. After that he did not come back when I called him, but I would feel him around every so often. As soon as I noticed him he'd leave again. that happened a few times over the course of a week and a half to two weeks. Then it quieted down and he started being a bit more normal. Now we still talk but it's still a little awkward. I even considered maybe I read it all wrong and he felt insulted? I don't know.. I was wondering one day why he may have liked me if he did, trying to decide if I messed up, and my Okami Yokai (who I dubbed katsu) said it's my ability to look past things. In his case, that he is a god, and to see another person. Another thing that I considered may be related is something else I still haven't figured out. I keep denying it because I'm always afraid of letting things go to my head or tricking myself into believing things that may not be true.. But my own personal feelings have been growing about it. I may or may not have been immortal, or earned immortality at one time but decided to reincarnate anyways? something like that. I find it too hard to believe, I mean me? but my boyfriend's spirits have mentioned "interesting" things about me that they won't say to him. And He told me he can't tell me everything but kept hinting at something along those lines. One day I decided to ask him seriously. Put aside his feelings, put aside jokes and tell me for real if he thought it was something goddess-like. He said yes, though he doesn't know details or understand it either. Is that possible? Knowing what I do about my past life selves, I can see one of them giving up immortality but I guess I'm really not sure I believe I ever earned it.. Could all these things be related? is that even possible? all that confuses me. I don't want to let it inflate my ego.. After all that I talked to my friend and said to imagine being a god in love with a mortal and being second choice to a human guy with nice hair and a good heart. That sure did put things into another perspective, but regardless. If he does love me, him being a god doesn't matter if I love someone else. My feelings with this immortal have always been complicated. If's very strange, because like I said. I feel like I had some connection to him before my current self even knew he existed. What that is? I dunno. I tried explaining it to my friend, how it feels like another part of me maybe responds and reaches out to him, but not current physical me.. I guess I can say it this way: If we had a history, my soul remembers. Maybe part of me loves him, but this current and physical part of me loves my boyfriend, and I need a physical relationship right now. It sounds silly in writing since it's so hard for me to put into words.. but I guess what I'm asking is... Opinions. I'm confused, did he maybe love me? is it possible that I may have had something with him Between lives? Is it possible for a person to earn immortality and decide to give it up? I would think it's another piece that reincarnates anyways, but would that still be "you?" It's confusing and I'm not quite sure what to think of it... I just really don't wanna let it get to my head..

nezzuo · Tue May 31, 2016 11:48 pm

very intriguing.. if you feel you had a past life with this immortal, it is strongly possible that it's true. the feelings you experienced sound incredibly strong, and that makes it all the more believable that you two shared a past life together. the spirits i've shared a past life with have given me the same incredibly strong feelings. it's quite different from the others that i have only just now met in this life. you just sort of.. know. i really do think he loves you, and when you told him how you feel, he was probably quite hurt. although, it is competely understandable and probably the right thing to do to turn him away. however, that is only coming from a girl who also has an earthly boyfriend. i would have done the same but i would also be very confused.. perhaps this immortal is actually your soul mate? it is hard for anyone to truly know but you and the immortal.
i am personally okay with getting intimate with spirits.. but with an immortal.. they are still alive. it's a bit different, and i can see you seem to feel the same. this is very confusing situation 1spt
i have heard of people giving up immortality. it is totally possible you chose that path. i am feelin for you and hope you can figure this out soon enough with a sweet ending. i think it will probably take a while attempting to communicate with your higher self and this immortal to figure out the truth, but with strength and patience, i believe you can do it!

xXTsukiNoOokamiXx · Wed Jun 01, 2016 2:49 am

It definitely feels as though I knew him.. and knowing my past-lives self I may have turned down immortality.. she would have said "I still have things to do." She was very different than the soft little spoiled creature I am xD I'm not as ambitious as she was, at least I don't think so.. but we do share alot of similar beliefs and the desire for freedom. Anyways.. as for the relationships aspect, My boyfriend has been interacting with spirits since he was a child, and I have become friends with his spirit friends as well. To us, spirits, immortals, mortals.. it's pretty much all the same to us. They all have thoughts, feelings, desires.. He knows all about what happened to me in my spiritual path. And I know about all of his own experiences with spirits. Basically, I'm pretty sure it'd still be considered cheating in his eyes.. and I'm not sure his spirits would approve.. Plus it's as I said, I need a physical relationship. I want/need someone to live with and touch here on earth. Human lives are ever-changing..I'd feel guilty trying o have both. I know I'd probably quickly become a tad possessive of both. I was possessive of the immortal the moment I discovered him and that scared me. The feelings are there but eh.. I guess it doesn't make sense to cause problems.. I amost figure if he's immortal he can wait.. xD A twinge of feelings is there and I don't really want to start anything ya feel..

' it's confusing..

nezzuo · Wed Jun 01, 2016 3:39 am

xXTsukiNoOokamiXx wrote: It definitely feels as though I knew him.. and knowing my past-lives self I may have turned down immortality.. she would have said "I still have things to do." She was very different than the soft little spoiled creature I am xD I'm not as ambitious as she was, at least I don't think so.. but we do share alot of similar beliefs and the desire for freedom. Anyways.. as for the relationships aspect, My boyfriend has been interacting with spirits since he was a child, and I have become friends with his spirit friends as well. To us, spirits, immortals, mortals.. it's pretty much all the same to us. They all have thoughts, feelings, desires.. He knows all about what happened to me in my spiritual path. And I know about all of his own experiences with spirits. Basically, I'm pretty sure it'd still be considered cheating in his eyes.. and I'm not sure his spirits would approve.. Plus it's as I said, I need a physical relationship. I want/need someone to live with and touch here on earth. Human lives are ever-changing..I'd feel guilty trying o have both. I know I'd probably quickly become a tad possessive of both. I was possessive of the immortal the moment I discovered him and that scared me. The feelings are there but eh.. I guess it doesn't make sense to cause problems.. I amost figure if he's immortal he can wait.. xD A twinge of feelings is there and I don't really want to start anything ya feel.. ' it's confusing..

i ageee with everything. i hope it all plays out well for you

xXTsukiNoOokamiXx · Wed Jun 01, 2016 3:48 am

Thankyou..

A little confused, honestly

Login • Register