On Patience and How to be Patience

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On Patience and How to be Patience

Postby darkwing dook » Sat Mar 31, 2018 9:08 am

Patience is important, for learning and studying, to reach goals, or even to get used to something new in our life. It is also important in spirit-keeping and magick working.

The following are articles about how to be more patience, in case someone needs it. There are more if you google about it : )

Impatient? Why and How to Practice Patience
Patience in times of stress fosters peace of mind instead of anger.

What is patience? I like to start with the dictionary. "Patience: the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, difficulty, or annoyance without getting angry or upset." I don’t know anyone whose life is free of these three. In fact, I can’t recall a single day in my own life when at least one of them didn't make an appearance.

For many years, my reaction to the presence of any one of the three was to get “angry”—or at least “upset.” Then I realized that this response served only to make an already stressful and unpleasant situation worse. So I began making a conscious effort to respond to “delay, difficulty, or annoyance” differently. Sometimes the best I could do was “tolerate” their presence. But I kept at it and, with practice, I became better able to “accept” them open-heartedly as an inevitable part of life.

When I could do this—tolerate and sometimes even accept delay, difficulty, or annoyance—I noticed two things. First, being patient is a way of treating myself with compassion. Compassion is the act of reaching out to those who are suffering—including ourselves. I definitely suffer when I’m impatient, because lack of patience is a stress response to whatever is going on in my life. I can feel the stress in both my mind and my body. And so, cultivating patience is a way of taking care of myself, which is the essence of self-compassion.

Second, I noticed that being patient gave rise to a feeling of equanimity—a calmness of mind that makes it easier to ride life’s ups and downs without being tossed about like a boat in a storm. Seeing the correlation between patience and enhanced self-compassion and equanimity convinced me of the value of this practice. I thought, “Hmm. Less suffering and stress, coupled with more calm acceptance of life as it is…sounds good.” Here’s how I recommend that you undertake the practice of patience. (Note: This is an approach to transforming thoughts and emotions that I set out more fully in my books, How to Wake Up: A Buddhist-Inspired Guide to Navigating Joy and Sorrow and How to Live Well with Chronic Pain and Illness: A Mindful Guide)

1. Recognize that impatience has arisen.

This may not be easy at first. When things aren’t going our way (for example, we’re stuck in traffic), we tend to think that the cause of our impatience is external to us—what’s going out “out there.” But, of course, the cause is what’s going on in our own minds—that is, our response to whatever circumstances we’re facing. So start by setting the intention to watch for impatience arising in your own mind as a response to not getting what you want right away.

You may know some of your triggers already: being put on hold for a long time; getting stuck in a long line; struggling to figure out a computer problem; facing an extended wait at the doctor’s office; having to listen to someone take what seems to be an interminably long time to explain something simple (this last one being a trait of mine that tests my own family’s patience!).

Notice how impatience arises when we’re not getting our way—specifically when people or our environment aren’t conforming to our expectations, even in circumstances over which we have no control (for example, the flow of traffic or the length of a line). Our expectations are often out of synch with reality. I can think of four ways in which this is true, and all four can be triggers for impatience.

First, we tend to expect the environment to conform to our expectations: no traffic jams; no absence of parking spaces near our destination; no long lines; no airport delays; no waiting too long for food to arrive at a restaurant.

Second, we tend to expect people to conform to our expectations. They ought to behave the way we think they should behave. “That woman ahead of me in the check-out line should not be making small talk with the cashier.” “If he said he’d phone at 3:00, he should phone at 3:00.” Even if we’re “right” (it is polite, after all, to call at the time you say you will), the fact remains that people often don’t live up to our expectations.

Third, our expectations are often unrealistic when it comes to mastering new skills, whether it’s taking up a new craft or figuring out a new computer application or learning a new do-it-yourself fix-it skill. We think we should be able to master new skills quickly, no matter how foreign or difficult they are to us.

Fourth, our expectations are almost always unrealistic when it comes to what goes on in our minds. We think we should be able to control what thoughts and what emotions arise. But unwelcome thoughts and emotions pop up all the time. It’s the nature of the mind to think and to emote; in my experience, there’s no stopping it. Certainly being impatient doesn’t put a stop to it!

Think about these four categories of expectations and see if you can pinpoint which ones you tend to be unrealistic about in your own life. This alone can help you recognize when you’re responding with impatience.

2. Investigate how impatience feels in your mind and in your body.

Allowing yourself to really feel the impatience is a major step toward accepting its presence. This is important because, in my experience, I can’t begin to transform a stressful mental state until I accept that I’m caught up in it. So, work on becoming well-acquainted with how impatience feels. Is your mind calm or agitated? Is your body relaxed or tensed? I have yet to experience impatience as pleasant in either my mind or my body. And the realization that it feels unpleasant helps motivate me to try and change the way I respond when I’m faced with “delay, difficulty, or annoyance”—our three friends from the dictionary definition.

3. Begin to transform impatience into patience.

This takes practice—patient practice. And because patience is an act of self-compassion, I hope you’ll treat yourself with compassion over your inability to be patient at times. That said, here are some strategies to help transform impatience into patience.

Let’s start with those times when the environment or people aren’t conforming to your expectations: for example, you’re stuck in a traffic jam or you find yourself behind that person in the check-out line who’s chatting with the cashier. First, notice that you’re responding with impatience. Second, pay attention to how it feels in your mind and in your body. Then ask yourself: “Is there anything I can do to change the situation without making matters worse for myself or others?” If the answer is “no” (which it almost always will be), then see if you can find what I’ll call “the good” in the situation. By this I mean, begin to focus on something pleasant or interesting while you’re waiting.

This is a mindfulness practice, meaning you’re making a conscious choice—backed up by effort—to pay attention to everything that’s going on in your field of awareness. When I feel impatience arise, I can almost always find something in my present moment experience that arouses my curiosity or interest. This allows me to respond, not in “anger” or “upset” to what’s going on, but instead, with patience.

In a traffic jam, it might be checking out the different makes and models and ages of the cars on the road; it might be begining to chat with another person in the car; it might be finding a radio station to listen to. If I’m in that check-out line, it might be noticing with amusement the ridiculous headlines on those sensationalistic mags that sit in racks at the cashier stand; it might be looking at the people around me—how everyone looks different and has a whole life story of their own that I know nothing about; it might even be eavesdropping on the content of the chatter that’s holding me up!

In fact, I try to cultivate friendliness toward those chatterers—to enjoy how they’re enjoying each other’s company. After all, what’s another minute or two in line? If, like me, you have trouble standing for long, you can look for something to lean on or take a wide stance with your legs so you’re better balanced. Sometimes I bring a cane.

My point is that, yes, our first choice may be to institute a “no traffic jam on the freeway” rule and a “no chatting at the check-out counter” directive, but most of the time in life, we don’t get our first choice. When this happens, if the alternatives are to get upset and angry versus finding a way to make the experience enjoyable, or at least tolerable, I know which one feels better to me.

Then we have those unrealistic expectations about mastering new skills. That expectation partially stems from our cultural conditioning to hurry hurry hurry no matter what we’re doing. Yet, if we were to proceed more slowly and patiently, not only would we enjoy ourselves more, but we’re likely to do a better job of mastering the skill in question.

Finally, about those unrealistic expectations that we should be able to control our minds. Instead of getting impatient (“upset“ or “angry”) about what arises in our minds, can we work on holding unwelcome thoughts and emotions more lightly—even sometimes with humor over the mind’s unruliness? Doing this is a compassionate response to what arises in the mind. In my new book, How to Wake Up, I quote a passage from one of the first Buddhist books I ever read, Mindfulness in Plain English by Bhante Gunaratana. He said this about the mind:

[Sometime] you will come face to face with the sudden and shocking realization that you are completely crazy. Your mind is a shrieking, gibbering madhouse on wheels barreling pell-mell down the hill, utterly out of control and hopeless. No problem.

I love this quotation for two reasons. First, I find it reassuring to know that I’m not alone in having a shrieking, gibbering, madhouse on wheels for a mind. Second, Bhante says, “No problem.” I take “no problem” to mean that I can learn to be patient with this “crazy” mind. I can learn not to get upset and angry when unwelcome thoughts and emotions arise, but instead, to calmly accept their presence, knowing that with time the universal law of impermanence will help me out. Conditions will change…and so will my mind.

We can transform impatience into patience. It’s well-worth the effort because being patient is a way of treating ourselves with compassion and it also helps us calmly accept things as they are…and that always feels good
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog ... e-patience

Four Steps To Developing Patience
4 Steps to Decrease the Happiness Killer: Impatience

The Purpose of Patience

So, what's the purpose of building patience abilities? In a word, happiness. Better relationships, more success. Well worth the effort, I'd say. But effort, indeed, it takes.

We can all work to develop more patience. An important idea here is that developing patience is just that. Developing a skill. We aren't born with it. Think of a hungry infant- shrieking with all it's red-faced, rigid-bodied impatient demand for satisfaction.

After all, we can't just sit down at a piano and play it without ever learning to play and practicing, practicing, practicing. That practicing includes 1)paying attention to when we are not patient, 2) being kind to ourselves for not being "perfect" already, and 3)changing the automatic judgmental, critical thoughts and feelings.

Most people who are patience "professionals" recommend that we train ourselves to work with little pains and irritations so that when the big ones come, we will have developed the patience we need for adversity. Many patience-train themselves with experiences of bites and stings, rashes, heat and cold, rain, waiting in line, driving in traffic- things that may aggravate, but are bearable.

4 Steps to Working with Impatience

1. Understand the addictive nature of anger, irritation, outrage

As evolving humans, we are still constructed with our old reptilian brain that protects our physical and emotional survival. On the emotional survival side, we want our way, to get ahead, to achieve, to "look good." It's not a "bad" thing; it's just an evolutionary older part of our brain than our newer midbrain and neocortex.

Let's just face it- that urge to protect ourselves and what we deem valuable is absolutely addictive. Just try and not act on your urge and you'll see what I mean. (A friend who served in Vietnam mentioned to me how soldiers in foxholes could not smack mosquitoes on their arms. The slapping sound would give their location away. In that example, there are at least two opposing pulls for survival at play, and the soldiers chose life over comfort.)

So the first step in growing patience is to get in touch with the addictive quality of the opposite of patience- anger, irritation, blaming, shaming. Usually it starts with a slight discomfort and tensing in the stomach area that goes along with the interpretation that things are not going our way. Then the storyline of thoughts appear. "I have never seen such incompetence. . .how could they..., don't they realize...did they do it on purpose or are they just ignorant... blah, blah, blah." You know the rants. We all have them. And we can grow beyond them.

2. Upgrading our attitude towards discomfort and pain

So many of us have the belief that being "comfortable" is the only state we will tolerate. I remember a friend, about 25 years ago, who was in the process of changing a destructive habit. He had learned to say to himself, "This is merely uncomfortable, not intolerable." It helped him enormously to break his habit, and helped me begin to look at my own avoidance patterns.

Pain has its purposes. It pushes us to find solutions.

Where we often go astray with the "solutions" that we try to find, is that we try to change the other person, situation or thing that we think is causing our discomfort. But the problem is, that it is not the outside thing that's the source o our pain, but how our mind is set. No matter how bad or good the outer thing is, it's our mind that has the aversion or attraction. It's our mind that is the cause of discomfort, not the outer circumstances.

In the mind training model of dealing with the pain of irritation, the idea is to reduce the pain and suffering that our impatience gives us and to increase our ability to act in a way that has a higher probability of our achieving our goals.

So the solution to pain is an inside job.

3. Paying attention when the irritation/pain starts.

Most of us don't really realize it when we are feeling subtle-but very present- painful feelings. We ignore the fact that we are in pain and focus exclusively on fixing the problem. But to really care for ourselves, we can ask ourselves if being irritated brings us comfort other than the comfort of familiarity? Get curious about what's actually happening in the moment inside YOU. I know for myself that when I am critical and impatient with anyone-including myself- it really hurts more than almost anything else.

Focusing on what's actually happening inside you, you can notice the dread of not wanting what's happening, the resistance.

4. Self talk

The main thing here is to just stop the story. And as we get more and more practice attending to that vulnerability inside without fueling it with our story about how wrong it all is, how wrong they are, how wrong we are, the feeling can pass through in mere seconds.

As an example, a client once reported that she was hurt that her husband had seemed to forget her birthday. When he left for work, she started recounting all the ways in their relationship he had not met her needs, then she went on to shaming herself for being so "weak as to marry him." She woke up and realized, "Oh, I'm just disappointed, that's natural. But he's a good man and I know he loves me." She was astounded at the internal peace that showed up when she just dropped the story.

When- not if- you find yourself impatient, irritated with yourself, you can remind yourself that you are growing, and that, "Sure, this is understandable, this is what happens to me when I'm bothered." You can say to yourself, "It's true, I don't like this, this is uncomfortable, but I can tolerate it. And, "I can be tolerant of my own flaws and inadequacies"

Wow. Just imagine how it would feel if we never felt rushed, or hurt by another's impatience with us. And how it would feel if we were never (well, almost never) irritated or impatient with someone - either someone else, or ourselves. What would that be like? Is it worth practicing patience?
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog ... g-patience

Patience & Tips on How to Develop It

Patience, a challenge for most of us, is the ability to tolerate waiting, delay, or frustration without becoming agitated or upset. It is being able to control your emotions or impulses and proceed calmly when faced with difficult or frustrating situations. It comes from the Latin word pati which means to suffer, to endure, to bear.

Needless to say, patience is not easy to attain and it's probably harder now to achieve than ever before. In today's world of 'instant everything', technological advancements and readily available credit have allowed us to obtain, experience, and consume practically anything we want - almost immediately. Do we even need to be patient anymore?

Well, if we want to reach our goals, have successful relationships and achieve personal peace, the answer is a resounding yes!

Anything worthwhile and of importance cannot take place right away. It takes time, dedication and effort to achieve; so even in this day and age, patience is a virtue.

The Benefits of Developing Patience

1. Reduces stress levels and makes you a happier, healthier person. When you learn and practice patience you don't get as angry, stressed or overwhelmed. You are more in control of your emotions and in a better position to deal with difficult situations with ease and poise.This promotes longevity and makes you a happier, healthier person.

2. Results in better decision-making. When you're patient you take the time to assess the situation, see the big picture, and weigh any pros and cons. The chances of making a big mistake lessen because you avoid making it in haste. Taking the time to problem solve requires patience and deliberation.

3. Helps develop understanding, empathy and compassion. You are automatically more understanding and compassionate with others when you yourself are patient. Patient people take the time to process what they go through and are able to determine what it takes to overcome obstacles so they are more understanding of others. This results in better, more fulfilling relationships with spouses, friends, children and bosses.

4. Helps you understand and appreciate the process of growth. As mentioned earlier anything worthwhile takes time and effort to achieve. As the old saying goes "Rome wasn't built in a day." Planning, growth, evaluation and measurement all take time, and taking time takes patience.

Tips on How to Develop Patience

- Take a day where you make patience your goal for the entire day. Make a concerted effort to take your time and think about everything you do, be mindful and live in the moment. At the end of the day, observe all the ways in which you've made smarter decisions, got along better with others and actually understood what took place. Learn to do it on a daily basis. Developing patience is much like physical exercise because it requires persistence and effort.

- Slow down. If you have the tendency to rush around and try to hurry things up, want things done immediately and can't wait for things to take their natural course, STOP. Take several deep breaths before you act or make a move. For example, if you're in a long lineup at the grocery store or in heavy traffic, make the decision to pause and not get worked up. Do some isometrics, listen to the radio, or just enjoy the view. Getting impatient won't make things move along any faster, so why get worked up for nothing?

- Practice delaying gratification. When you want to reach for that dessert, second drink, or buying your tenth pair of red shoes, stop and think about it first. Maybe you don't need or want any of them that badly after all. You can save yourself some money or added calories.

- Practice thinking before you speak. At times we blurt out the first thought that comes into our heads without considering the consequences. If we're patient, pause and go over what we want to say, we can avoid hurting or offending others.

Situations for which patience is a must:

- Reaching most goals
- Losing weight
- Having a baby
- Bodybuilding
- Becoming a professional career person such as a doctor, lawyer, engineer
- Becoming a top athlete
- Becoming a virtuoso in any musical field
- The healing of any wounds or illnesses
- Getting over loss or tragedy

Patience is definitely a valuable character trait to develop. It may appear to be passive, however it is an active, purposeful and necessary form of self-discipline. Without patience many of our actions would be counter-productive and ultimately much time and energy would be wasted spinning our wheels. Surely, patience is a time-tested virtue.

How to Be Patient
Staying Calm Under Pressure

Here's the problem: you're waiting for someone to finish compiling a report that you need for a meeting. Because of an issue that came up, you're already 15 minutes late.

You can feel your body getting tense, and you're getting quite cross. You start sweating, and suddenly you yell at the person for being slow and putting you behind schedule. You can tell she's hurt, but you can't help it. She's making you late!

Does this sound familiar? Many of us are impatient at times. Losing control of our patience hurts not only us, but those around us. Impatience raises our stress level and can even cause physical harm to our bodies. Being impatient can also damage relationships.

In this article, we'll examine strategies that you can use to be more patient.

Why Practice Patience?

Others often see impatient people as arrogant, insensitive, and impulsive. They can be viewed as poor decision makers, because they make quick judgments or interrupt people. Some people will even avoid impatient people, because of their poor people skills and bad tempers.

People with these personality traits are unlikely to be at the top of the list for promotions to leadership positions. Impatience can even affect relationships at home.

The more patient you are with others, the likelier you are to be viewed positively by your peers and your managers, not to mention your family and friends.

Signs of Impatience

How do you know when you're being impatient? You will probably experience one of more of the following symptoms:

- Shallow breathing (short breaths).
- Muscle tension.
- Hand clenching/tightening.
- Jiggling/restless feet.
- Irritability/anger.
- Anxiety/nervousness.
- Rushing.
- Snap/quick decisions.

Finding Your Causes

If you experience the symptoms of impatience, your next step is to discover the true cause. Many of us have "triggers." These could be people, phrases, or specific situations (like rush-hour traffic) that regularly cause us to enter an impatient frame of mind.

Make a list of things that cause you to become impatient. If you're having trouble identifying your triggers, use these tips:

- Stop and think about the last time you were impatient. What caused it? You can narrow this down to the root cause by using the 5 Whys technique.
- Ask your family, friends, and co-workers about your impatience. Chances are that they know what gets you "wound up".
- Many people become impatient due to physical factors such as hunger, dehydration, or fatigue. Analyze your body the next time you start to feel impatient. A simple remedy might be a snack and a glass of water!
- Keep a journal with you to record when you start to feel impatient. Write down what the situation is, and why you're getting frustrated.

Identifying your triggers helps because it forces you to examine your actions and uncover why you're doing what you're doing. This knowledge also helps you devise strategies to avoid becoming impatient.

Of course, it would be great if you could avoid the triggers that make you impatient. But for most of us, that's just not possible. So you have to learn to manage impatience instead.

Managing the Symptoms

When you feel impatient, it's important to get out of this frame of mind as quickly as possible. Try these strategies:

- Take deep, slow breaths, and count to 10. Doing this helps slow your heart rate, relaxes your body, and distances you emotionally from the situation. If you're feeling really impatient, you might need to do a longer count, or do this several times.
- Impatience can cause you to tense your muscles involuntarily. So, consciously focus on relaxing your body. Again, take slow, deep breaths. Relax your muscles, from your toes up to the top of your head.
- Learn to manage your emotions. Remember, you have a choice in how you react in every situation. You can choose to be patient, or choose not to be: it's all up to you.
- Force yourself to slow down. Make yourself speak and move more slowly. It will appear to others as if you're calm – and, by "acting" patient, you can often "feel" more patient.
- Practice active listening and empathic listening. Make sure you give other people your full attention, and patiently plan your response to what they say.
- Remind yourself that your impatience rarely gets others to move faster – in fact, it can interfere with other people's ability to perform complex or highly-skilled work. All you're doing is creating more stress, which is completely unproductive.
- Try to talk yourself out of your impatient frame of mind. Remind yourself how silly it is that you're reacting this way. People often don't mind if a meeting is delayed, just as long as you let them know that you're running late in advance.
- If your impatience causes you to react in anger toward others, use anger management techniques to calm down.
- Some people become impatient because they're perfectionists. However, in addition to causing impatience, perfectionism can actually slow productivity and increase stress. Learn how to stop being a perfectionist with our Coaching Clinic I'm a Perfectionist!

Remember that, although many people are naturally patient, the rest of us need to practice patience for it to become a habit. Becoming more patient won't happen overnight, but do persist – it's so important!

"Knowing a trifle about everything gives life more color." - Zhuge Liang
"Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use." - Wendell Johnson

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Re: On Patience and How to be Patience

Postby nezzuo » Sat Mar 31, 2018 10:29 am

i appreciate this post very much!

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Re: On Patience and How to be Patience

Postby darkwing dook » Sun Apr 01, 2018 12:15 pm

No problem : )

And there are related and helpful articles in each link, just in case.

"Knowing a trifle about everything gives life more color." - Zhuge Liang
"Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use." - Wendell Johnson

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Re: On Patience and How to be Patience

Postby xxMrS4nxx » Mon Apr 02, 2018 6:19 am

Well im kinda expert on patience now xD

I'm a newbie and will stay a newbie for more than 10 year maybe! 2wk 2wk

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Re: On Patience and How to be Patience

Postby jannergirl38 » Tue Nov 20, 2018 4:58 pm

Thanks so much for this! I really needed it because patience is definitely something I need to work on!

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Re: On Patience and How to be Patience

Postby divineseeker » Tue Nov 20, 2018 6:52 pm

A nice topic. Thank you.

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Re: On Patience and How to be Patience

Postby Opelia Rendon » Tue Nov 20, 2018 11:13 pm

Good job! Nice post

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Re: On Patience and How to be Patience

Postby SilverElf » Thu Jan 10, 2019 4:22 am

Thanks for this. Patience is definitely NOT a native virtue of mine. Cultivating it is definitely something I need to do.

"You must see with eyes unclouded by hate. See the good in that which is evil, and the evil in that which is good. Pledge yourself to neither side, but vow instead to preserve the balance that exists between the two" - Hayao Miyazaki

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Re: On Patience and How to be Patience

Postby Annabelle » Thu Feb 07, 2019 10:57 pm

Thank you for really enlightening post, i am just in patience practicing phase and can agree with almost everything mentioned there. 1ak

Nowadays more and more people tend to be impatient, as the ordinary life becomes faster and offers enormous amount of choices, number way too huge for average human brain capacity and speed of processing information. We naturally tend to learn more about everything what interest us, and when we find ourselves in front of so big "library" of knowledge nowadays free for all, we just start to think that "life isn't long enough", so rush is taking place with bad conclusions and misunderstandings as consequences.

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Re: On Patience and How to be Patience

Postby darkwing dook » Fri Feb 08, 2019 3:53 am

No problem : )

Annabelle wrote:
Nowadays more and more people tend to be impatient, as the ordinary life becomes faster and offers enormous amount of choices, number way too huge for average human brain capacity and speed of processing information. We naturally tend to learn more about everything what interest us, and when we find ourselves in front of so big "library" of knowledge nowadays free for all, we just start to think that "life isn't long enough", so rush is taking place with bad conclusions and misunderstandings as consequences.

One way is to distinguish between information and choice. Not all information gives actual choice for everyone. E.g. as information, we know there's a beach in Ibiza where people go to have drinks, dance, and whatnot. It doesn't mean everyone who find this information can choose to go there or not. And it's not only about money.

"Knowing a trifle about everything gives life more color." - Zhuge Liang
"Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use." - Wendell Johnson

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