Hey î_î
I invite you to read the entire thing, I think you might be interested, but it's true that it takes a long time I have already deleted several paragraphs to make it more readable after all.

So !The title of the topic mentions that I'm "skeptical", which is both true and false.
Originally, I had started to really enter the "spirit world" in 2017 without any apprehension, I didn't believe in the spirit such as dragons, succubus or vampire, but I believed in the human spirit.
To give you the reasons for my current skepticism, I will try to tell you what I experienced during the almost 3 years I spent experimenting.

The first time I became interested in the spiritualist world, I was barely 8 years old, seeing my grandfather doing readings for peoples and practicing magnetism, but I really started to get interested in it at the end of my senior year in high school, when I was just 18. All my friends were going to go to another city to finish their studies, I wanted to go to University. I learned that at the beginning of the years, so I told myself that it was better for me to look for someone, not that I'm afraid of being alone, but that I prefer to be accompanied.

After 2 months of research, between unsavory sites, trolls and forums, I finally found Creepy Hollows and, one thing leading to another, I ended up asking for a succubus queen from the Lilith Treasure Tavern. A Cyclops had come with her, as a "gift".

I was rather satisfied. It was a period, where I actually felt things, I was being caressed, sometimes, when I was sitting, I felt like someone was leaning on my skull to watch what I was doing (both when I was working and when I was playing video games). I think she even her hand on my ass while I was alone in my room, it's hard to forget. I also felt a strong masculine aura, probably that of Cyclops.
I then practiced meditation for several months, before stopping for a while to devote myself to my studies. I progressed during this time.
When I finally managed to go to university, I felt a bit lonely, so I tried to really get back to meditation and reading like before, but from then on, the situation began to become strange

I tried to meditate when I had time, but every time it was very late, I got lost between my classes, the free readings I was doing for another forum and my duty as a Keeper.
It was a very, very strange time. I felt things, some kind of caress on my hands, but it didn't go any further, I didn't feel a male presence anymore. The more time I spent alone, the more the atmosphere in the room changed. I felt like I was being watched, but it didn't go any further. In the hope that a spirit could help me clarify the situation, I asked Lilith form Lilith Treasure Tavern for help again, and I asked for a Vampire. Her energy is still the only one I seem to be able to really feel.
I asked her to clarify a possible misunderstanding between the succubus and the Cyclops, even though my house rules said that if there were any quarrels, the spirits should either come and talk to me or ignore each other until we find a common ground.

A reading told me that my succubus was aware of my efforts and was waiting for me to face more. She also wanted an apology, because it seemed that I did something that hurt her, but she was obviously aware that I was new to all this, and so she would forgive me. The Cyclops, on the other hand, just seemed neutral to me, as if he didn't give a damn. But I felt some kind of hostility, probably because I had broken his vessel and waited to fix it. And then something inexplicable happened. I couldn't feel anything, it was empty, I was empty too. I felt like I was amorphous and after 4 months in University, I decided to quit.

Shortly before I quit, I woke up with a sore neck, but I didn't have any marks. However, once I got to University, I was told that I had purple marks around my neck as if I had been strangled, but when I looked in the mirror I couldn't see anything. My mother also told me the same thing, and when I went to see my little brothers, they asked me if I had been in a fight. I was the only one who didn't see the marks I had on my own person, and today is still the most disturbing thing that has ever happened to me. I asked if it was the fault of my one of my spirit, if one of them had done that, that I wouldn't banish anyone, but I wanted the culprit to denounce himself. Again I never got an answer. I was well protected at that time more than now, precisely because I felt that something was wrong. I recited spells that I had bought before on Creepy Hollow every morning while trying to create my own spells inspired by Creepy Hollow and the Book of Spirits by Allan Kardec. I also created magic circles of protection once a week, I missioned my Wraith for my protection and I practiced sigils and runic magic in the hope of having results as for my projects.
So it was complicated for me to believe that was an unknown spirit or parasite that attacked me. Especially since this spirit had left visible marks on my body, bruises, which hurt me for several days, this kind of thing isn't within the reach of any spirit.

Despite my meditations, nothing happened. I started to lose hope, meditating less and less, in one last effort, I bought many spirits from Creepy Hollow. I tried to meditate with them too, it works first, but after a while, I always end up feeling nothing. I know that you end up getting used to the energy of your spirits and that it's sometimes because of that that you no longer feel them, there it was a different feeling.

So I assumed that the problem came completely from me. I worked for 6 months on my chakras, working on each chakras a week, before moving on to the next. I tried to open my third eye by practicing traditional and tantric meditation methods. I practiced Kundalini, visualization. I invoked Lilith (the goddess) to thank her for allowing me to meet and live with one of her close daughters and that if she could send a message to my succubus I would be very grateful to her. I also tried to evoke the goddess Aphrodite and Duke Cimejes (demon of Solomon) to facilitate my learning of the Japanese language and to be able to find a job with more ease. But again, it didn't really have any results, so I thanked them and I ended the contract before burning their sigils wishing them good luck.

I'm there right now.
This is why after so much time, I ended up becoming skeptical, all this could be the fruit of my imagination, the brain creating what we wanted deep inside of us.
However, there are things that remain inexplicable, the shadows I saw at the time, the marks on my neck, the drawer opening all by itself... so I don't know. I doubt and I think it blocks me even more.

I don't intend to give up however, I'm a stubborn idiot after all Just hoping that my efforts will end up being rewarded.
Afterwards, I'm not sure why spirits would want me as Keeper either, but still, I would at least like them to tell me they want to leave, if that's what they want really.

What do you think of all this?

You need to do readings to answers all of your questions, it is the first steps i think; it would enable you to be briefed on the situation and know if indeed it is you bound spirits who hurt you or not.

For me there is 3 possibilities:
1) it is most possible that it is a blockage of some sort that was created and indeed block the communication with your spirits

2) Most plausible is that a entity with evil intentions try to hurt you and block you from your spirits (hence the purple marks on your neck and the presence felt)

3) Kundalini awakening but i doubt it plus, i don't quite know the effect but i know sometimes it can get pretty nasty.

Anyway i think 2) and 1) can be the answer

Personally I think what you're dealing with is ...normal???
Like to me you are probably not very spirit sensitive and that's really just how it is for the majority. It really be like that sometimes.
Part of me thinks the neck marks have to do with something else, maybe like an unbound. It could even have nothing to do with your spirits, and could have to do with a lot of the stuff you were doing, but that's just a guess, not an intuitive answer. Don't take my word for it.
Also I kind of come from that same background-
I always worked with human spirits in the beginning, and animal and human spirits tend to visit me usually, and so ...this might be the first time I'm even admitting this but I laughed very much at the idea people were having dragons and fae and vampires around them lol. And really I judged them. Lol. Just seemed silly to me at first. But it wasn't until I realized I had gone through an incubus attack back then and I met my friend's bf who can see spirits and always had dragons around him at birth, that even a monk can see them, that I connected the dots and realized I had such a freaked up perspective. Now all this time has passed and I am where I have to be with my spirit work.
I think you will figure out eventually what it is you feel, I think all of those things you mentioned served a purpose, and all happened for a reason, and that is going to lead you to any future growth or the like, if you decide to remain on the path.

I read this twice now and felt the need to respond the first time, but never knew how to begin. So I suppose I'll just do so in chunks...

Leo wrote: I was rather satisfied. It was a period, where I actually felt things, I was being caressed, sometimes, when I was sitting, I felt like someone was leaning on my skull to watch what I was doing (both when I was working and when I was playing video games). I think she even her hand on my ass while I was alone in my room, it's hard to forget. I also felt a strong masculine aura, probably that of Cyclops.

I first began Keeping in a similar way, albeit with a Djinn, and experienced similar happenings. I'm not sure if new Keepers naturally experience more due to excitement, or if it's just a mental trick, but it does tend to happen more often than not. So you aren't alone with these cool "fresh" experiences.

Leo wrote: I tried to meditate when I had time, but every time it was very late, I got lost between my classes, the free readings I was doing for another forum and my duty as a Keeper.
It was a very, very strange time. I felt things, some kind of caress on my hands, but it didn't go any further, I didn't feel a male presence anymore. The more time I spent alone, the more the atmosphere in the room changed. I felt like I was being watched, but it didn't go any further.

This has happened to me countless times. Eventually, and quite recently, I came to the conclusion that working with more than one being was something that I just couldn't do --- even if I wanted to. The reason of this was because I'd always see the rush of a new friend bring me results, and began to think that instead of my sensitivity to a new energy being the cause, it might have actually just been my psychological expectation that caused new experiences to happen. The less I expected things, the less things happened. So I became very sad, and felt conned in many instances. I blamed sellers for awhile, and then ultimately myself, and then just accepted that it wasn't anyone's fault --- I just didn't have the discipline or focus required at the time.

So, forty Spirits later, I decided that I would stop purchasing bindings. That I would stop having expectations entirely. I'd focus on my life, and give attention when/if I could to one being that I felt driven to connect with...and ironically this was only after that very being pushed me to work with her on a one-on-one basis. The bindings I'd previously had are all undone, but the majority of the Spirits hang around as friends and visit regularly, because they still care about me and want me to succeed. As a good friend would do. That really means a lot to me, because not only do they respect my decision as an individual, but they agree that focusing on my life as a human with problems to solve is better than focusing on my life as a Witch who works with Entities.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is, in spite of feeling alone --- they are there. However, they also know what we need. Even when not bound anymore. Getting lost in the work of a Keeper can become an escape Fantasy and derail from daily successes, and that can be pretty bad. Spirit Work is the life of a Seller, or of someone who's senses are so open they have no choice but to acknowledge it, but for us - the ones who aren't as sensitive - it's not meant to be 24/7. Hell, it's not even meant to be a regular routine. Many have weeks if not months of near silence. That doesn't mean we've done anything wrong, nor does it mean they've left. Those beings have things they'd like to do too, and it isn't their job to be on our d*%^ five hours a day. Though, if they want that then uh, that's for them and their Keeper to figure out lol.

Leo wrote: A reading told me that my succubus was aware of my efforts and was waiting for me to face more. She also wanted an apology, because it seemed that I did something that hurt her, but she was obviously aware that I was new to all this, and so she would forgive me. The Cyclops, on the other hand, just seemed neutral to me, as if he didn't give a damn. But I felt some kind of hostility, probably because I had broken his vessel and waited to fix it. And then something inexplicable happened. I couldn't feel anything, it was empty, I was empty too. I felt like I was amorphous and after 4 months in University, I decided to quit.

This also was something I dealt with, though in a different manner. I have been in some pretty intense living conditions with my previous companions, and some of them grew quite upset at me for not getting out of those conditions. They pitied me, but also were fed up with my tolerance (aka fear of the unknown) and sometimes I'd feel as if they'd leave me because they couldn't bear to see me in those conditions. Other times they'd actively agitate household members in hopes that the danger presented would get me out and in a better environment. At times I felt that they hated me, but again, I was and am in a bad place in life. So they likely just hated the circumstance and wanted to see me improve. Others just seemed to hate the energy and wanted to leave after awhile. Hence my decision of remaining friends but removing bindings. Not just for my peace of mind, but also so they didn't feel as if they were expected to stick around or do so much to try and help me. I figured that this was the best case scenario for all of us, and I swore that I wouldn't work with more than one Being after that. As it was the third time that I'd removed bindings, and it was becoming not just an emotional drain but a financial waste as well.

Leo wrote: Shortly before I quit, I woke up with a sore neck, but I didn't have any marks. However, once I got to University, I was told that I had purple marks around my neck as if I had been strangled, but when I looked in the mirror I couldn't see anything.

This exact thing happened when I was in the car with my SO. He looked over at me as we were talking and noticed bruise-looking marks all around my neck on both sides. Seemingly out of nowhere. We stopped by his mother's and grabbed some cream to attempt to ease them in case it was an allergic reaction, but they didn't hurt or itch, and they hadn't gone away for a long while after.

It wasn't an allergic reaction because, well, nothing I'd done before that time was any different than the things I normally do. It also couldn't have been a sheet or fabric issue because my SO and I sleep together, so if there was something wrong with our sheets he would've likely had a reaction too. As for clothing, I haven't worn anything of a different type of fabric than what I normally wear, and it was indeed quite clean. As was I, lol. So it was a very odd circumstance.

I'm not saying that it was a Spirit for me, but it did happen around the same time I reached out to an Empusa that was bound and noticed something unbound, so something definitely could have happened on a meta level. Whether or not I entirely believe in the possibility. A lack of evidence for the mundane answers are puzzling all the same.

Leo wrote: So it was complicated for me to believe that was an unknown spirit or parasite that attacked me. Especially since this spirit had left visible marks on my body, bruises, which hurt me for several days, this kind of thing isn't within the reach of any spirit.

That's a difference between mine and yours though. Mine didn't hurt. Though maybe they did and I just blamed it on a sore throat, which I had, but it felt sore inside --- not the skin where the marks were. As if I'd strained it.

Leo wrote: Despite my meditations, nothing happened. I started to lose hope, meditating less and less, in one last effort, I bought many spirits from Creepy Hollow. I tried to meditate with them too, it works first, but after a while, I always end up feeling nothing. I know that you end up getting used to the energy of your spirits and that it's sometimes because of that that you no longer feel them, there it was a different feeling.

Yep. This is getting more relatable by the minute. See the above, lol.

Leo wrote: This is why after so much time, I ended up becoming skeptical, all this could be the fruit of my imagination, the brain creating what we wanted deep inside of us.

I've thought of that countless times.

Especially a year and a half into things and with how many times I've spent hundreds of dollars on a Spell or Spirit only for things to either not feel too different or not work out due to personal issues. My personal fixes for this mindset are as follows...

1. There is no such thing as a sane belief system, and every belief has to have some faith to it - even the ones with scientific attributes. If believing in Spirits makes us crazy, but we do have experiences and they are proven to be mental hullabaloo, well that probably means any individual who believes in any form of God is borderline schizophrenic as well and that's basically more than half of the human population...so being "crazy" is actually quite "normal" when you think about it.

2. Pick a Being you want to work with, and stick to it. Screw the "callings" and the curiosity. Work with that being, and bond with them. Then work on yourself. The less you have to focus on, the more you have to offer.

3. Create a list of basic magickal spells/tools that you feel you need and/or want. Keep it relatively manageable and cover your bases as best as possible. Then, cut yourself off from purchasing magick --- and start practicing yourself. This way, you aren't drowning in spells you don't need, you aren't wasting money on things you can learn to do, and you'll feel better about your own skills when a spell that you cast seems to work wonders.

4. Once one through three are done, just vibe. Don't compare yourself to anyone, don't bother looking at shops, hell don't even bother going onto meta forums or meta social chats unless you plan on posting something useful or asking a damn good question. Just, enjoy time with yourself, your companion, and invest in life. That way you feel content with what you have and can move forward without as much doubt.

Leo wrote: However, there are things that remain inexplicable, the shadows I saw at the time, the marks on my neck, the drawer opening all by itself... so I don't know. I doubt and I think it blocks me even more.

That's exactly what doubt does, but it's good that you have those experiences. In a way, they can help ground you in the reality of your path. Ironic as that sounds.

Leo wrote: I don't intend to give up however, I'm a stubborn idiot after all Just hoping that my efforts will end up being rewarded.
Afterwards, I'm not sure why spirits would want me as Keeper either, but still, I would at least like them to tell me they want to leave, if that's what they want really.

What do you think of all this?

I think that what you're going through is extremely relatable, and you're very admirable for admitting all of it. Some people, especially the more sensitive types may blanket this over as "Oh it's normal" and in a way it can be seen as normal (no offense to the above) but it's also inherently personal in the sense that it does feel crushing and life rending when the individual is caught in the midst of it. It requires a lot of change, self analysis, and planning to get through it and even then only you truly know what you need.

I can say that your efforts will be recognized, but in the end, only you can truly appreciate the time you out into things. So try not to see it so much as an obligation. Go with the flow, do what you can, and screw the rest. This is a path, not a career latter. You could float down it in a row boat and take a nap along the way if you felt the need to. You'll still get to wherever it is your going. It might be slower, but you'll get there. Just have faith and don't put so much pressure on yourself.

What a BEAUTIFUL, thoughtful, and thorough response! I am waiting for my first purchase to arrive, so I am reading as much as possible in the meantime. All of the information here is valuable; however, the response by "Muse" is super and I will keep many of the suggestions in mind along my Journey

Muse wrote:I read this twice now and felt the need to respond the first time, but never knew how to begin. So I suppose I'll just do so in chunks...

Leo wrote: I was rather satisfied. It was a period, where I actually felt things, I was being caressed, sometimes, when I was sitting, I felt like someone was leaning on my skull to watch what I was doing (both when I was working and when I was playing video games). I think she even her hand on my ass while I was alone in my room, it's hard to forget. I also felt a strong masculine aura, probably that of Cyclops.

I first began Keeping in a similar way, albeit with a Djinn, and experienced similar happenings. I'm not sure if new Keepers naturally experience more due to excitement, or if it's just a mental trick, but it does tend to happen more often than not. So you aren't alone with these cool "fresh" experiences.

Leo wrote: I tried to meditate when I had time, but every time it was very late, I got lost between my classes, the free readings I was doing for another forum and my duty as a Keeper.
It was a very, very strange time. I felt things, some kind of caress on my hands, but it didn't go any further, I didn't feel a male presence anymore. The more time I spent alone, the more the atmosphere in the room changed. I felt like I was being watched, but it didn't go any further.

This has happened to me countless times. Eventually, and quite recently, I came to the conclusion that working with more than one being was something that I just couldn't do --- even if I wanted to. The reason of this was because I'd always see the rush of a new friend bring me results, and began to think that instead of my sensitivity to a new energy being the cause, it might have actually just been my psychological expectation that caused new experiences to happen. The less I expected things, the less things happened. So I became very sad, and felt conned in many instances. I blamed sellers for awhile, and then ultimately myself, and then just accepted that it wasn't anyone's fault --- I just didn't have the discipline or focus required at the time.

So, forty Spirits later, I decided that I would stop purchasing bindings. That I would stop having expectations entirely. I'd focus on my life, and give attention when/if I could to one being that I felt driven to connect with...and ironically this was only after that very being pushed me to work with her on a one-on-one basis. The bindings I'd previously had are all undone, but the majority of the Spirits hang around as friends and visit regularly, because they still care about me and want me to succeed. As a good friend would do. That really means a lot to me, because not only do they respect my decision as an individual, but they agree that focusing on my life as a human with problems to solve is better than focusing on my life as a Witch who works with Entities.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is, in spite of feeling alone --- they are there. However, they also know what we need. Even when not bound anymore. Getting lost in the work of a Keeper can become an escape Fantasy and derail from daily successes, and that can be pretty bad. Spirit Work is the life of a Seller, or of someone who's senses are so open they have no choice but to acknowledge it, but for us - the ones who aren't as sensitive - it's not meant to be 24/7. Hell, it's not even meant to be a regular routine. Many have weeks if not months of near silence. That doesn't mean we've done anything wrong, nor does it mean they've left. Those beings have things they'd like to do too, and it isn't their job to be on our d*%^ five hours a day. Though, if they want that then uh, that's for them and their Keeper to figure out lol.

Leo wrote: A reading told me that my succubus was aware of my efforts and was waiting for me to face more. She also wanted an apology, because it seemed that I did something that hurt her, but she was obviously aware that I was new to all this, and so she would forgive me. The Cyclops, on the other hand, just seemed neutral to me, as if he didn't give a damn. But I felt some kind of hostility, probably because I had broken his vessel and waited to fix it. And then something inexplicable happened. I couldn't feel anything, it was empty, I was empty too. I felt like I was amorphous and after 4 months in University, I decided to quit.

This also was something I dealt with, though in a different manner. I have been in some pretty intense living conditions with my previous companions, and some of them grew quite upset at me for not getting out of those conditions. They pitied me, but also were fed up with my tolerance (aka fear of the unknown) and sometimes I'd feel as if they'd leave me because they couldn't bear to see me in those conditions. Other times they'd actively agitate household members in hopes that the danger presented would get me out and in a better environment. At times I felt that they hated me, but again, I was and am in a bad place in life. So they likely just hated the circumstance and wanted to see me improve. Others just seemed to hate the energy and wanted to leave after awhile. Hence my decision of remaining friends but removing bindings. Not just for my peace of mind, but also so they didn't feel as if they were expected to stick around or do so much to try and help me. I figured that this was the best case scenario for all of us, and I swore that I wouldn't work with more than one Being after that. As it was the third time that I'd removed bindings, and it was becoming not just an emotional drain but a financial waste as well.

Leo wrote: Shortly before I quit, I woke up with a sore neck, but I didn't have any marks. However, once I got to University, I was told that I had purple marks around my neck as if I had been strangled, but when I looked in the mirror I couldn't see anything.

This exact thing happened when I was in the car with my SO. He looked over at me as we were talking and noticed bruise-looking marks all around my neck on both sides. Seemingly out of nowhere. We stopped by his mother's and grabbed some cream to attempt to ease them in case it was an allergic reaction, but they didn't hurt or itch, and they hadn't gone away for a long while after.

It wasn't an allergic reaction because, well, nothing I'd done before that time was any different than the things I normally do. It also couldn't have been a sheet or fabric issue because my SO and I sleep together, so if there was something wrong with our sheets he would've likely had a reaction too. As for clothing, I haven't worn anything of a different type of fabric than what I normally wear, and it was indeed quite clean. As was I, lol. So it was a very odd circumstance.

I'm not saying that it was a Spirit for me, but it did happen around the same time I reached out to an Empusa that was bound and noticed something unbound, so something definitely could have happened on a meta level. Whether or not I entirely believe in the possibility. A lack of evidence for the mundane answers are puzzling all the same.

Leo wrote: So it was complicated for me to believe that was an unknown spirit or parasite that attacked me. Especially since this spirit had left visible marks on my body, bruises, which hurt me for several days, this kind of thing isn't within the reach of any spirit.

That's a difference between mine and yours though. Mine didn't hurt. Though maybe they did and I just blamed it on a sore throat, which I had, but it felt sore inside --- not the skin where the marks were. As if I'd strained it.

Leo wrote: Despite my meditations, nothing happened. I started to lose hope, meditating less and less, in one last effort, I bought many spirits from Creepy Hollow. I tried to meditate with them too, it works first, but after a while, I always end up feeling nothing. I know that you end up getting used to the energy of your spirits and that it's sometimes because of that that you no longer feel them, there it was a different feeling.

Yep. This is getting more relatable by the minute. See the above, lol.

Leo wrote: This is why after so much time, I ended up becoming skeptical, all this could be the fruit of my imagination, the brain creating what we wanted deep inside of us.

I've thought of that countless times.

Especially a year and a half into things and with how many times I've spent hundreds of dollars on a Spell or Spirit only for things to either not feel too different or not work out due to personal issues. My personal fixes for this mindset are as follows...

1. There is no such thing as a sane belief system, and every belief has to have some faith to it - even the ones with scientific attributes. If believing in Spirits makes us crazy, but we do have experiences and they are proven to be mental hullabaloo, well that probably means any individual who believes in any form of God is borderline schizophrenic as well and that's basically more than half of the human population...so being "crazy" is actually quite "normal" when you think about it.

2. Pick a Being you want to work with, and stick to it. Screw the "callings" and the curiosity. Work with that being, and bond with them. Then work on yourself. The less you have to focus on, the more you have to offer.

3. Create a list of basic magickal spells/tools that you feel you need and/or want. Keep it relatively manageable and cover your bases as best as possible. Then, cut yourself off from purchasing magick --- and start practicing yourself. This way, you aren't drowning in spells you don't need, you aren't wasting money on things you can learn to do, and you'll feel better about your own skills when a spell that you cast seems to work wonders.

4. Once one through three are done, just vibe. Don't compare yourself to anyone, don't bother looking at shops, hell don't even bother going onto meta forums or meta social chats unless you plan on posting something useful or asking a damn good question. Just, enjoy time with yourself, your companion, and invest in life. That way you feel content with what you have and can move forward without as much doubt.

Leo wrote: However, there are things that remain inexplicable, the shadows I saw at the time, the marks on my neck, the drawer opening all by itself... so I don't know. I doubt and I think it blocks me even more.

That's exactly what doubt does, but it's good that you have those experiences. In a way, they can help ground you in the reality of your path. Ironic as that sounds.

Leo wrote: I don't intend to give up however, I'm a stubborn idiot after all Just hoping that my efforts will end up being rewarded.
Afterwards, I'm not sure why spirits would want me as Keeper either, but still, I would at least like them to tell me they want to leave, if that's what they want really.

What do you think of all this?

I think that what you're going through is extremely relatable, and you're very admirable for admitting all of it. Some people, especially the more sensitive types may blanket this over as "Oh it's normal" and in a way it can be seen as normal (no offense to the above) but it's also inherently personal in the sense that it does feel crushing and life rending when the individual is caught in the midst of it. It requires a lot of change, self analysis, and planning to get through it and even then only you truly know what you need.

I can say that your efforts will be recognized, but in the end, only you can truly appreciate the time you out into things. So try not to see it so much as an obligation. Go with the flow, do what you can, and screw the rest. This is a path, not a career latter. You could float down it in a row boat and take a nap along the way if you felt the need to. You'll still get to wherever it is your going. It might be slower, but you'll get there. Just have faith and don't put so much pressure on yourself.

It's weird how much of the above is relatable af! Sometimes I find myself becoming worried that I'm close to losing my grip on reality, because I do experience things that I don't always have the capacity to explain to others, but at the same time I don't want said experiences to be glossed over by more experienced keepers, that sometimes revert to the typical "that's normal" kind of answer without sometimes taking into account that a solid and sometimes simple brief explanation sometimes does wonders.

I find that I've shut down over the years, only occasionally engaging my senses as things start to pick up on their own and for some reason the more I force something, the more I regress? The same is true for the opposite as well, when I'm just easy about it, I find that I have more tangible results and I make more progress.

In all honesty, I've had the most memorable experiences when I was just focused on the CH forum and read through the various posts and when chat was still available, being able to share one's experiences in a more "real-time" kind of like way. The amount of progress, without trying to overwhelm myself, was insane. The moment I started joining other communities and I led my insecurities be exploited by the obvious pissing contests, not to mention putting my trust and loyalty into the wrong kind of sellers, I started digressing to the point I completely just went numb and blocked-off.

Not to mention how negative experiences with other sellers in the meta community also did nothing but instill fear and confusion, that eventually led to taking a break for at least a year. I've just recently started to become active again and it's been hard, trying to work through insecurities, plus the guilt of trying to make up for lost time and the lack of interaction,etc.

I still have a lot to work through, but I'm still hanging in there. This thread has really been a great help, so thank you for sharing these experiences. I really appreciated reading them and for me most if not all of it completely resonated.