It took nearly 8 months before he'd even acknowledge me putting his food out before running away. One time, last week, I saw a streak of orange and called out: "wait. I'll get food." So stupid. As it he speaks human. But I saw his green eyes blinking out from behind my stunted Mugo Pine and knew he'd stopped.
I put the food out, not really believing he'd come back. He was too afraid. He always ran.
A minute later I peeked out the long thin window in the front door.
He was there. Eating. He sensed me and looked up...a lingering look....and then went back to the food bowl. It was the first clear look I'd had of him. Up until now he was like one of my spirits; i'd sense his presence or see a blur but that was all.
Our winters are so cold. And there are so many cats; an endless line of strays and ferals looking for shelter and food. I needed to friend him up so I could give him shelter come the winter months. Not tame him. Just offer shelter/food/safety. And then maybe a spay or neuter if possible. Cats rarely last more then 1 or 2 winters here - its just too cold.
Little orange boy didn't show up yesterday but maybe later I hoped. Last evening I agreed to go for a rare trip to Costco. Just for a drive -- a rare impulse.
I came upon him a few blocks from my house. Lying in the middle of the lane. He'd just been hit. The car didn't stop; kept going. A long line of cars drove passed him. a pedestrian had seen it happen - she was looking the other way while grabbing hold of his ear and pulling him off the street. A car managed to stop to let her pass, at least.
Orange boy's eyes were still a most beautiful jewel green but no longer intact in his head. The woman was in hysterics.
This morning, a new tabby with a collar, showed up at his food bowl. Cat's with collars last, usually, a little longer and look a little better then the strays. But it amazes me how many renters move away after a year or two and leave their pets/companions behind.
And then they become 'Orange boy' and show up at my door step. It is an endless cycle. So many lives, cat/dog/birds, even deer, have passed through my door step over the years.
I'm angry. I keep seeing all the cars with human heads inside all impatient to pass the fresh dead thing in the street. No one stops. Had it been busier, had a pedestrian without the kind impulse not been on the scene, they would have driven over the body. It's just a cat. And after the first car does it , it gets easier for the cars (humans) to do the same; drive over the body as if it wasn't real. wasn't a life. My spirit pokes me.
She whispers that love isn't the emotion I'm feeling.
Emotion helps to carry love's message - emotion is a language so others can empathize.
Animals read emotion.
Animals empathize.
But love is not the emotion. Emotion is how you communicate it.
The cat is gone.
:crying: The emotion (sadness, grief) is not appropriate to the circumstance. The love is still real. It still exists. A life and the love hasn't been erased by others non-awareness of it. And, now, it is a celebration of the existence of the love and the cat's life. The cat/now spirit is reveling in that love. It is real. You loved it. It recognized that love.The sadness is a judgement on what your eyes see. The love and joy is the heart's truth; it is what lies behind the eyes.
The love is real.
I wrote this out for me. I don't expect anyone else to understand a crazy cat-woman on the hill that takes in animals while struggling with her judgement over humans. And i really do struggle sometimes. I wrote it out so I would remember, hoping it would stick. The love is real. My pain is my judgement. I knew that. I know that. And I keep forgetting that. And i hope, if there is someone else out there who gets as angry as I do at how easy it is for us humans to ignore the lives about us, both human and animal, while we count our beans, that you might know that you're not alone.
ps
i'm just about to hit the enter key and I see the following at the bottom of an email that just arrived:
Live simply, Love generously, Care deeply....for we walk by faith and not by sight.
thanks for the reminder.
I take care of everyone's animals that go hungry and get kicked out or left behind. Even the bunnies my neighbors kept letting go outside year after year- I sat outside many an hour every day and caught them- and I still have them but found two a forever indoor home. 
I don't think it's wrong to feel angry as you release the pain (judgment). You recognized what you were going through, very few do.... 
