I Don't Know What To Do.

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Regholdain
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Spelled Number: 40
Your favorite spirit to work with: Demons
If I could be anything, I would be...: Human. :)
My super power would be...: See spirits in true form

HorizonSignal wrote:I have a long habitual familiarity with depression and paranoia/pessimism.
This could be an underlying cause to the over-reaction. Perhaps some techniques to deal with anxiety, or even some medical advice to address this. I would assume it is not just the spirit realm that you might over-react with, as depression and paranoia (or just anxiety) affects every aspect of our lives. I highly recommend attempting to treat this issue, as that could very well help you in your spiritual journey.


X..X Memento Mori X..X
*>* Memento Vivere *>*

"I look upon death to be as necessary to our constitution as sleep. We shall rise refreshed in the morning." - Benjamin Franklin
HorizonSignal
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My super power would be...: Anti-Gravity

@Regholdian: This is something that in the past I have been managing through mindfulness meditation and regular counciling visits. This disruption pretty much ruins any attempt to zen out, and an unfortunate coincidence has prevented me from talking about my 'secular' worries with my councilor for quite some time. Luckily I WILL be seeing her in a week's time... so I continue to endeavor towards peace of mind.



I had a curious encounter last night which has changed my perception of the situation greatly. This is going to need some exposition, but for those of you inclined to TL;DR:

I've got some kind of crazy sex-entity unbound attached to me, pretty much 100% my fault due to an unwitting 'summoning,' followed by a completely failed banishing. Or maybe it IS some kind of absurdly strong thoughtform? idk. All (or almost all) the stuff I've been experiencing seems likely to be it's attempts to regain my obsession/attention, and I have decided that it's got to go.

Long version here (Why doesn't this forum have spoiler boxes?):

Once upon a time, before I started spirit keeping, I was already well-read about the works of thoughtform creation, in the 'secular' context of a community who called themselves 'Tulpamancers.' I am now aware that Tulpa holds a different sort of meaning in 'the occult' proper; I would define what they called 'Tulpas' as companion-thoughtforms. They also used servitor-thoughtforms and 'wonderlands;' internally visualized and experienced worlds, some practiced to the point of waking lucid dreams. Visualization and 'acting as if real' were the key skills they touted. At the time I had no intention of creating such a companion, but the possibility intrigued me enough that I began to seriously exercise my visualization skills. This, alongside my understanding of the mental mechanics of making an (apparently) independent thoughtform, would combine with my undisciplined mind for unpleasant consequences.

I won't be graphic, but I began to practice extremely realistic sexual fantasies using these tools. My 'partner' became a consistent character unto 'herself'; one day 'she' started to 'wake up;' seemingly acting under her own volition. I was a little bit horrified at the possibility of an unplanned additional sentience in my head, especially one in the dubious role of "love-slave." I pushed her/it from my mind and embarked on a renewed quest to free myself from the porn and fantasy habit that I perceived as the root of my troubles.

Fast forward a while, to my 'spiritual awakening' and my dawning awareness thereof. Right from the beginning there was an entity I could not identify; sensations that did not respond to communications. I DID catch sight of my first spirit, R, from time to time, but it was finicky business. Then, the nastiness which I have troubled you all with in these past months began. 'She' had still not crossed my mind as at all involved; it was a long-dead/deactivated thoughtform, after all. Or was it?

Last night I had a confrontation which revealed to me that it was, in all likelyhood, not a thoughtform at all. I think now that my visualization 'practices' had in fact attracted some kind of sexual spirit, and not one any where near so courteous as CH's ubi or nymphos. I had a half-awake moment where I recalled 'her', and decided that perhaps I should offer reconciliation for rejecting her out of hand? "She" immediately came alive in my mind and 'lovebombed' me quite intensely, simultaneously with the extinguishment of the distressing sensations which had been bothering me. In spite of the 'lovebombing' and apparent good progress, I decided that it would be better to 'destroy/dismantle' the thoughtform properly, reabsorb the energy I had given it; after all it was causing an awful lot of trouble. This went poorly.

After an episode of 'energy indigestion' and a feeling of stark hostility I decided that no, there was not a thoughtform here after all. Being the middle of the night and half-asleep I decided now was not the time to deal with it, pushed the thoughts out of my head, and went to sleep... to promptly experience one of the more intense 'rape' dreams I'd had in weeks, followed by a couple more somewhat more abstract "under-attack" dreams. This solidified in my mind the connection between 'her' and most everything else I'd experienced.

Since waking it seems 'she' has been trying to worm her way back into our old roles. Intrusive visuals of us 'together', spontaneous arousal, and the elicitation of strange and disturbing thoughts/attitudes within myself to go along with it. I won't go into the gross details, again, but 'she' seems to draw rather, um, monstrous aspects of my sexuality out of me when I become entangled in 'her' reveries. Intensely aggressive, violent, sadistic stuff. Perhaps those ARE parts of me.. but I think it would be far healthier to explore those aspects in a proper, trusting relationship: not a back-and-forth rape-off. All the while the strange energy sensations in my root and sacral chakras continue at ramped-up intensity, alongside a new ache on my crown. "Fun" times.

I have decided, at the advice of other practitioners, to try and take a couple of weeks to 'ground out' and gain some distance, so I can properly consider what to do without being right in the middle of all the hysteria. My current inclination is 'it's got to go;' and I can practically taste the anger when I think that. I do not think I can 'reconcile' with something that has done the things it has; some lines once crossed I cannot forgive. In all likelyhood I have a substantial amount of apology to do, in the direction of my keep... sigh. Well. I will make it through this.


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Regholdain
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You are...: in the learning process
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Number of Spirits: 35
Spelled Number: 40
Your favorite spirit to work with: Demons
If I could be anything, I would be...: Human. :)
My super power would be...: See spirits in true form

Sounds like a self-hypnosis program I tried years ago and just couldn't quite make it work. I'd say the name of the product here but I don't think it's allowed.

That said, my very limited opinion from reading this is you attracted a succubus inadvertently. I did the same thing when I ordered one from CH. Only my bound succubus spirit drove the unbound off when she arrived.

You need some serious banishment from the sounds of it, providing she is not responsive to reason. You may be able to work things out with her, though that depends.

Grounding and spending some time to attempt to settle may be a good idea as your friends pointed out.


X..X Memento Mori X..X
*>* Memento Vivere *>*

"I look upon death to be as necessary to our constitution as sleep. We shall rise refreshed in the morning." - Benjamin Franklin
HorizonSignal
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You are...: in the learning process
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My super power would be...: Anti-Gravity

While I'm on the topic.. I still do not really understand how to make a banishing 'work.' Is it a matter of practicing, 'pretending'/acting it out, until something clicks? I have tried a mass of rituals and it seems like a whole lot of 'empty' gesturing and visualizing to me.


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Lewk
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HorizonSignal wrote:While I'm on the topic.. I still do not really understand how to make a banishing 'work.' Is it a matter of practicing, 'pretending'/acting it out, until something clicks? I have tried a mass of rituals and it seems like a whole lot of 'empty' gesturing and visualizing to me.
I hope you don't mind if I say sincere good wishes with your plans for making it through this. Those practitioners' advice on spending time grounding yourself and getting distance on things sounds eminently sensible.

Obviously there are many far more expert and wise people here when it comes to banishing than me. I don't think you have to convince yourself falsely in advance that you are certain a rite is effective but it should help if you suspend your doubt or disbelief while performing it. Adopting an attitude of certainty and unshakeable belief makes a rite more assertive but is more like the fake it till you make it approach I think. That can be done like role playing while you're doing the rite. Pretending you're not sceptical when you are is different from adopting a performance attitude of unshakeable belief. So 'pretend' is not quite right but it kind of is too. When world champions visualise themselves playing perfectly, is that pretending? Research has shown that our brains can't tell the difference between involved imagination about practising our sport well and actually physically doing the practice. That's why mental practice can produce better improvement than physical practice. So role playing during a banishing rite can help orient our subsconscious towards producing a better result. Intention and attitude can play a big role, I believe. So avoid the doubt during and after a rite, as a ploy to aid its efficiency.

I would also say words are a kind of thoughtform that have power in the invisible realm and also affect our subconscious. Words in a tried and tested spell or rite that has been passed down by spirits or a magickal tradition may also be imbued with an extra, subtle energy and power that many of us may not normally be aware of.


HorizonSignal
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I have a little hypothesis about banishing ritual, actually; one that fits into my experience, at least. I think that banishings implicitly "contain" an imprint of a normal/neutral/grounded state; the practice of the ritual that so many recommend done before any other magic serves to create a mental link between the ritual AND that state; afterwards, repeating the ritual recalls that grounded-safe state. My troubles, then, might stem from the fact that I don't really have a reference state in mind to call on.
The idea feels right to me, at least. I am going to make an effort to find and imprint the state of security/groundedness/cleared-space, so I can work it into things.


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Lewk
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You are...: in the learning process
Male/Female: Male
Number of Spirits: 300
Spelled Number: 200
Your favorite spirit to work with: Any
If I could be anything, I would be...: Immortal
My super power would be...: Ability to fly
My magical/paranormal name...: Alaric Indigo Root
Zodiac:

HorizonSignal wrote:I have a little hypothesis about banishing ritual, actually; one that fits into my experience, at least. I think that banishings implicitly "contain" an imprint of a normal/neutral/grounded state; the practice of the ritual that so many recommend done before any other magic serves to create a mental link between the ritual AND that state; afterwards, repeating the ritual recalls that grounded-safe state. My troubles, then, might stem from the fact that I don't really have a reference state in mind to call on.
The idea feels right to me, at least. I am going to make an effort to find and imprint the state of security/groundedness/cleared-space, so I can work it into things.
That sounds like a positive approach :)


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