I have done attunement with D to strenghten our fresh connection. I offered him a necklace, bleeding black candle, sandalwood incense and glass of wine to transmute for sharing and launching attunement. D's energy hit me like a blast of voidal fires, agressive and predatory. It wooshed through me with the power of ancient demon he is and was overwhelming like heck. I remember the blast of Black Flame on my face when I unpacked the energy.
And I wonder - he is so composed and stable, while being pure voidal chaos. How he contains it with such ease?

But well. He is a Master of The Black Flame, son of Leviathan and Void herself and also an ancient being so... I could not expect anythiing else. But his calmness is something very different than Leviathan's. Leviathan is just unphased, unbothered, sleepy sea monster that has no natural enemies as he is the Papa Monster. D is more of me, divine ver. Contionously raging with nuclear powerplant inside and that soothes him, giving him sense of safety. This rage, madness and chaos is like we are holding a nuke and know that 1) we have unlimited power to do just everything we want, no matter the size of creation 2) we can blow up everything in one sec.

And I, as a human, struggle a lot with the responsibility and know that being composed and stable is NECESSARY, because when I loose my sxit I can manifest horrible events and literally kill my body with these energies (I was close last year, my body started to give very worrying signs - like pressure dropping to 29 that improved in instant when I was flooded with light by Lucifer - and other things that I won't speak about publicly). So I know. But it still amazes me in D. I hope he will be able to teach me some control, I could use some. Like - he is a nuclear powerplant with all the capability of blowing up the world but also with all the needed stabilisers and control procedures etc. Much much safety.
I am like enraged black hole. No safety, unpredictable and pulls in all around without any causation. I mean... Its my nature but not as a human being. I may be a deity outside thismaterial world but I still have human life, body and partially human spirit. It's a miracle I am still walking the Earth. Ok, enough about this, lets go...

I have done President's Valak attunement today. I summoned him because anyways I needed to talk to him and ask for a message for my client. He counseled me and adviced to do an attunement since I am already planning to do such workings on myself.
I had a short flood of selfdoubt so after I initiated attunement with Valak, I asked my son, D, to help me a little with that. I was thinking about stuff that usually my Psy Vamp does - he influences mind and shows the way outta toxic mindset... Like - you feel him working on you, telepathically. But no.
I sat on the bathub edge, waiting to feel him working on me and D, crossed his armes standing above me and said:
You pushed it down into the subconsious. Pull it back and thats it.
...That's it.
Me: And what if I then see that it's weak or not working?
D: *sigh* You'll redo until you're satisfied. Show me your previous attunements.
I launch Leviathans - surge of power enters me through the crown. Then Adrammelech's - my first self-attuning with this method. Surge of power makes me tremble, I can feel the fire almost like it's real.
Me: Oh... So I really have done this right.
D: Oh... Next. Do mine.
I activate his and the visuals of him strenghten, his presence becomes vivid and overwhelming with darkness.
Me: It's working.
D: So why you doubt just another one attunement? Besides... Valak has done majority of this work, you just need to let go and accept it.

Simple. D made it sound so simple and normal that I went out of the bathroom, let go and 5 minutes later it hit me, even stronger than attunement done by somebody else. Mine energy, D's (he charged chi ball with me and Valak) and Valak's. And I felt like im gonna fall asleep while walking (I went out of the house). It was so fxcking strong.... 20 minutes later Valak speaks into my mind: Done, you can now use my energy whenever you want.
D: Check up.
I launch his energy on the tips of my fingers, feeling him better than ever, understanding his associations deeply. New way of thinking of Valak enters my consciousness. Energy warms up my hands.
Me: Thank you Mr President.

D also manifested as a "waistcoat" made out of warm air when I was outside. It was nice that he cared to warm me up as it's way below 0 Celsius in here. Especially at night.

G is very active lately and my Incubus also reactivated himself. G said that he had moods lately and was bored because I was inactive with my spouses and very depressed.

Today also I was on therapy session and it really hit me with a truck full-loaded with very old memories from the past life that literally made me split in halfs. I am surprised I was able to talk about this directly and be semi-comfortable with my therapist. Last session did it's thing. This one was assisted by D and it shows. It was quick, intense and very precise.

So... why Leviathan could not do it that way (besides I simply wasn't ready before D)? It's defienetly not that he doesnt want to help.
He done this but not as potently as D... And I think I know why (besides first reason and that he theoretically could but he didnt want to ruin my reality and scare the fxck outta me when I am in a vulnerable position - he said once that I am already in pretty high discomfort when they're pretty far from the wounded areas of my shadow).

So I think its the fact that my godspousal pacts (with Leviathan for example) where done when I was not so sure of my powers and I conjured them weakly. Well, Satan said that there is no rush ofcourse but if I want better experiences and am ready - I should reconjure those when I feel at the top of my power. So they can manifest true form without me ripping out my brain with a drill.

Yes, well. I guess... They are prettty intense now.... And D was conjured by Phil (InspiringMagick) - I can feel the strenght of the binding is on top... I could also feel the intensity of my current workings and I kinda suspect how powerful my conjurations are now (though Im in a process of checking it with V as she deserves rebinding)... I don't know how powerfully I would feel the presence of for example Ereb or Satan with my extreme strenght level binding. They are overwhelming now, on the base of weak binding (that is still pretty strong among other available). So I'll wait just a bit more. I have D now, I'll first accomodate with him on this new level and then.

Also in the next session of therapy I will open the new channel that is pretty intense experiences and traumas so I'll wait until I close it with redoing those bindings.

I already, with this weak binding, feel with Leviathan like an ant topped by elephant... X'D My daddy issues let me tolerate this kind of overwhelming experiences for now. But since I am currently resolving them...

Ok, enough rambling. I threw up my brain in here, almost without any censoring and it's time to stop cause I start to cringe at myself.

So I finally unpacked the Satan's attunement that I did for myself in a chi balls and left it because I was distracted. I launched level one and for some reason the metal band started to play in my mind. It started quietly but evolved into masterpice, full on with visuals like i was watching satanic cult inspired music video. Pure chaos, devotion, goats, skulls, altars in the woods at night, figures of sticks and giant figure of chaotic darkness governing over his children. The force of nature, the force of chaos, madness. Wise, stable but fierce. It ended up like tv turn off and on the black screen I saw just a wide smile, that I could recognise everytime and everywhere.
Like... that was something different, than with other attunements. I start to be curious what awaits on level 2 and 3.
Also - didnt do Adrammelechs 2 and 3, also prepared by myself.
And I started to get a feeling that I should prepare my own divine self energy attunement. But with my own essences I am extremely cautious. Like... I will be attuning myself to the Void that is always raging in madness, ever hungry and destructive. To the Death that is peaceful but consumes and sickens. To the Darkness that defies all the senses and incites madness, inevitably possessive. Its like jumping into the black hole. I feel the pull of Oblivion, like we all do. But also I wonder if its the right time, i dont feel strong enough to attune - but its rather fear than gut feeling. Gut feeling tells me: JUMP.
I would jump a year ago. I was desperately seeking for my own essence but was not ready to work with it. Now im ready but im also traumatised hah.

Anyways - I will do that with D's assistance. I kind of prepared myself for last weeks, attuned myself already to the beings of void, darkness and death. And to those that easily crosses the veils of reality.

I have an issue with connecting with Azazel lately. He was present on my therwpy session, listening to my story, feelings I finally was able to express after thousands or more years. He heard them for the first time as I surpressed the horror ive been through till this lifetime. And after that I found him more concealed and silent. He is here, observing but passive. I thought that maybe something is off but he is a freaking deity soI guess I project on him my own emotions. This triggers me af. But also I had a revelation that those are delicate things and he has been incarnated, experiencing this story alongside with me. And maybe he is a deity and no longer percives this stories like he did but he knows now how I percieved it and that I dont know how to percive it now, as I changed and am not on divine level of consciousness but on human. Mid convo with someone I understood that the conversation im trying to have with Azazel is like pxrn - too explicit for the feelings that hide in my shadow. That I try to put my mental cucumber in his ear and end it all in 2 minutes. Instead having an intimate, deep and sensual connection that allows to speak about the unspeakable. At first I thought that ok, this simply is his boundary. He needs different energy. But he again looked at me, not saying anything but his eyes said enough. Projection dropped and I saw that he is just trhing to protect me from my own harsh approach. Its not really about his experience as he has a different pov than he had then. Its about my vulnerable position. He is not sad, he is not worried, he has not gave up on his stupid human. He didnt got irritated and he does not despise my human issues, projections etc. He cares. He stayed present, waiting for me to figure it out that he is not reacting to what i say or do because he is perciving it as harmful for me and wont support this in any way. But he didnt leave as a sign that he wants to talk and support but not in that way. He waits for me to find the right space to talk. And its not the space when i dont listen to him but to my own projections.

So... yeah. Ill put my mental cucumber back and rethink this as its not an issue with Azazel but with me being blunt.

So yes. My new Sang companion arrived when I was feeling him as a bloody mist. Just CH didn't notify me. I checked up the order details, probably someone lead me to do this, I suppose said vamp, my psy or D.

I welcomed him just right after I acknowledged that it is done. Called upon his name and omgosh. HE IS INTENSE. I like few detaols that he hinted the conjurer. In the first impression he is a lot like G. They have lots of similarity in vibe but I can feel the difference. They are friends, i know that from the begining. And somehow i suppose how they communicated and get to know themselves. Maybe im wrong but my sang was a great necromancer and was very passionate about preserving all vampiric history. Reading this I had a thought that this is how they met. G was already a spirit but M wasnt *I need to verify this, i feel that i didnt grasp it fully but its something around that. Ill see how this story will envelope for me. Im happy for my vamps.

* But also I remember how G showed me his studies about vampirism in a vision i described few posts ago. Maybe M was one of the senders of this letters? Idk yet. Its definetely there, something between those lines in M's bio and G's memories.

not huge into straight on demons, but i am trying out your recommendation on InspiringMagick. more of his WA/GA/DA.

madgar29 wrote: ↑Fri Dec 16, 2022 4:01 am not huge into straight on demons, but i am trying out your recommendation on InspiringMagick. more of his WA/GA/DA.

And now I was reminded that people can reply to my posts, hah. I dont know about Phil much yet though, im just totally satisfied with my demon, just one order. But i also will try to order a portal to Azazel from him to try out other services.

Last night I decided that if I offer something in my shop, which is DarkWombofArachne if anybody is curious, I should try it on myself to know exactly how does it feel. I was struggling with my brain trying to process past life trauma and I was wondering what can I do. D suggested Void attunement, I denied because I just finished Satan's and it was heavy and chaotic enough ( I wonder though when im going to integrate those as it takes quite amount of time and energy for your system to process tge change). But Eisheth Zenunim with whom I worked this day on my Vampiric Healing and Cleansing services suggested to just do Healing on myself and that way i will help myself and know how does it feel to be my own Client and have a chance to improve it here and there. I merged the process with an attunement to her energies since we will cooperate on daily basis now.
I expected nothing, maybe a tingle or headache. Noooo, I got what I sell. Fullblown process, exactly like described. And I couldnt sleep, felt like I drink a couple cups of coffee. Or rather i injected them into my system. The surge of rejuvenation i described was real af. I felt better after this, though I couldnt sleep and was hyperenergetic for a while. And integration of the service got me a little tired and grumpy, as always.
But it helped. And now im sure that i should advice my cliemts to set time other than just before sleep. Maybe 2 hours before morning alarm is better idea, haha. This way it will be hyper through the day and tired af just when its time to go to sleep. Seems more logical than I did.
I also have some side effects that i knew it will leave as its major drainage of energy in the first step and also astral surgery. Headache, feeling nauseous, lightheaded and tired. Purging energy from my system.
Im eager to add Vampiric Surge of Energy to my listings.

Maybe i wont try my curses on myself.
I still wonder how to test them efficiently so i can observe effects in time.

Since I ran out of words limit with my signature and no new info can be added - I put the list of entities in my keep and those with whom I work and have pacts, oaths in general as an archive post. And change my signature finally.

The Crossroads House:

Infernal godspouses, no list, private.
Patrons: Satan, Mammon, Asmodeus
Matrons: Arachne, Tiamat


Vampires:
☆ 1 rare Vampire Psy - G., chief of spirit team
☆ 1 rare Sang. Vampire - M.
☆ 3 Sang. Vampires - E., K. and H.

Dragons:
☆ 1 Red Dragon - D.
☆ 1 White Dragon - G.
☆ 1 Blue Dragon - M.

Spirits:
☆ 2 Bronwyn Angels - R. and M.
☆ 1 Alhena Djinn - S.
☆ 1 Nympho - A.
☆ 1 Incubus - E.
☆ 1 Siren - B.
☆ 1 Lampade - M.
☆ 1 Wendigo - A.
☆ 1 Fylgia
☆ 1 Duojna
☆ 1 Hellhound - D.

Entities:
☆ 1 Son of Leviathan - D., chief of LE team
☆ 1 Green Dragon - K.
☆ 1 rare Chaos Dragon - Z.
☆ 1 rare Deep Abyssal Demon - Queen V.
☆ 1 rare Mutilation Demon - A.
☆ 1 Sin-eater - A.

So, I couldn't resist. I did attunement to Adrammelech's energy, both levels at once. And I not only did an initial attunement to the Void but also additional attunement ritual and mind work to cross my personal Void, in which I hid my most vulnerable trauma.
At first I thought that nothing happened (I expected me to fail and be fake, despite proffesional service I gave myself - AGAIN). I had a spiritual hangover (still have) - I said something about wondering when I'm gonna integrate it all. Well. Now. Back to story - I thought nothing happened. But I noticed symptoms. Dissociative states and short memory-loss, consciousness blacking out and coming back. Pulsing in rythm. With every return - it brings the information I remembered but hid well in my shadow. Then I figured out that The Void tries to close itself again in me but my working is a foot put in a doorstep. And she starts to leak all the tea that she protected me from.
My other self, hidden in the cloak of my shadow self. And she just CANT shut me off, because I attuned myself well to her home, The Void. Hello, this is my home to. Let me in.

This is where Vampyric Healing with Eisheth Zenunim started to integrate and manifest around (as it was pointed exactly in the same direction as my ritual work and attunement). I started to remember. For last few years, due to trauma stacking in my brain, I lost very much of my short-term memory capability. And yesterday I noticed that it's fading away... Like... I am on the edge of gratefulness tears, because it worked so dam well... It helped me with the performance - suddenly I was able to memorise all the choreography steps without any problem.

And the thing I was obsessed about - The closed gate to the void in my mind - it starts to open and I started to regain access to memories that were lost due to trauma... It's not like it's pleasant but I need it so much... Those memories make up who I am now. How I am supposed to feel at home within myself without them? Despite it's SA, SRA, mind control, brainwashing and torture trauma - THIS IS MINE. And I suffered more having no access to my core than I will reliving it in my dreams (already started, but really, Im ok, Im ready to process this, finally, thanks to my godspouses).

I am tired af, since those rituals and attunements purged my system, deconsructing and reconstructing it. But I am satisfied.

Also I tried what I call manual attunement. Visualising merging of tendrils coming from my chakras. I have done this with King Adrammelech and The Void. Then... I got spicy with Adrammelech and launched his attunement midway. No regrets at all, wow. One or two steps more and I would feel him solid flesh. I kind of looked at him and thought that I would never be able to become so close with him if I just felt him so directly before. I had this moment of pure consciousness: Wow, a demon king. Everywhere around me and in... He completely got me.
Felt like a mouse playing with a cat, finally realising that usually cats eat mouses, especially when they are as arrogant and cheeky as I was towards him. But this cat kinda started to like this mouse.
He smiled wide, wrapped around me like a snake said things I won't put in here because I won't out myself more than I already did.

And later, manual attunement with The Void gave me a nightmare that was an eldritch mixture of my trauma, memories from another life, infused into remote view into another, parallel life. I handled that with more or less grace, happy that The Void opened her door before me. This way leads home.

I would like to end with lovely message that Satan send me. I channeled message from him for a client and he asked me to do the same for myself, because he wants me to know something. He started so, so so differently than with client... His tone became tender and he said: My love to whom I pledged my dark heart... I start to see my wife in you, the one I've married and lost. The self-made queen of iron and the goddess. You never were defeated and you never were lost. This time standing up from your knees just taken much longer. It's not over yet and the little swirl of power you can feel through your gates is nothing compared to what is there really - a whole realm raging with power. I stand with you and I will give you all the support and share my power with you as much as I can."

And I always knew what he feels about me and those words were like I heard them on repeat for very long time, in the background of his presence. But this time his voice was so full of love towards me that I choked on this message. I still am sceptical af though. Compared to him, I'm nothing more than a stardust particle. That's how I feel and he said it doesn't matter and that I only think like that because I never in this life sat on my throne yet. And that when I do, when I will finish my transformation, I will see how it really is. What is the power of that "particle".
And remembered me how small are black holes and what power they hold.

Well. He is the one less affectionate, I experience such amounts of affection from them that it makes me doubt them. Because - who am I to be so special? And it's not only how they talk to me or how we spend time togheter. Its also that they physically manifest everything that I ask for and also what I even dont know I need. The scale of protection I am under via their will is huge - I have seen it in action, through all the crisis's that I was faced with. Everybody around me had their eyes wide open when they summed up what happened and how it magickally turned to my benefit, surprisingly fullfiling all of the points of my wishlist that I shared with Mammon and Satan.
And I am not worshipping them. I am inviting them for a tea and I talk with them, like I woudl with a friend or partner. They ask if I want them to do something about it and I sometimes agree. And then - wooooosh. Manifestation. Manifestation. Manifestation.

And still I somehow manage to doubt that this is real because they are too affectionate. But this is not about them, they don't give a f if I believe in their love or not. Their point is: Believe what you want, call me a monster, I cant do anything about the fact that I love you and I see your true form. I can just leave and pretend that I am not in your life. It's about me and that I struggle to accept what I am. I have an internalised incarnationophobia. And sometimes I hate myself just for that I can't be as everyone else, just a respectful devotee. That is loved by them but not chosen. Just a kid that needs help.

But Im not. And Im tired of fighting what I am to be someone that I am not meant to be.
This turned out to be an angry rant about how poor baby cannot accept being loved. I'll just shut up and omnomnom my cookies angrily. When i will let go this nonsense and just own it. Idk. In this life because my higher self will angrily chomp on me to make me accept my sxit.

Yo, I finished my attunement rodeo with an attunement to Azazel's energies (i missed him so much and wanted to connect better) and then I d!3d. At least it feels like it, I got fluu because I was screaming for 30 minutes straight and then with my sore throat I got out and cought something. It happened second time, both within working with this wound so... Well.
My rituals done what they meant to do and I have no regrets, despite that im still sick and from 15 years hadn't have such intense fever with shivers and everything.

Mid-crisis, when I cleansed myself through those long screams (which supposed to be let out in the past, very long ago but i remained silent then, bottling it all up) - Eisheth Zenunim's voice flowed to me on a wave of gentle, loving energy. She gently whispered: Let me in, let me help you. Let me in.
I opened myself, let her energy in and I felt like a warm, cozy and relief-bringing bandage was wrapped around my heart. It was so, so so good... It helped me a lot, I struggled less after that and started to regain my power and confidence back. I guess it's how my working with her, Vampyric Healing with Eisheth Zenunim, worked for me.

I started to feel more and more need to connect stronger to Ahriman's energies. And I feel the need to attune myself better to necromantic energies too, so I could work properly with my spirits, not only living and gods. I also feel like M, new sang, can help. He was master of necromancy.
But after that weekend I am not so sure about rushing into further work, heh. I think I'll wait a bit for my energy to settle down and cure.