She spoke fast. She said “trust. Don’t doubt. I need trust for the connection to be clear”. At first, it just felt like a joyful reunion. She said she loved me and was so proud of me. She celebrated my brother’s achievements and love for the woman he married. She expressed joy and relief that my Dad found my step mom.
Then, she said my sisters name. The joy was abruptly sucked out, my stomach dropped, and I felt dread. She slowed down and said “[my sister] is coming home soon. We are fighting, but we are running out of redirects that end in different outcomes.”
I got upset, and the connection was gone. I told myself that I imagined the whole thing, and that it was terrible for me to think such things about my sister. My sister has caused us all a lot of pain and trauma from a longgg struggle with alcohol addiction. I thought that my own judgements of her could have clouded the message.
I tried to let it go, but I just couldn’t. I told a close friend about the experience to try and process it. When it still nagged at me the following day (Sept. 17, 2023), I decided to journal about it. I dated it in several places and signed it. Finally, I let it go.
Less than a month later, late into the evening of Oct. 8, 2023, we got a call from the hospital. My sister had gone into kidney and liver failure. By noon on Oct. 12, 2023, she was dead.
My family keeps using the word: sudden, to describe her death. But to me, sudden doesn’t feel accurate at all. To me, the word is: surreal.
I’m still processing all this, and I know that I will be for a long time. However, it feels good to share this somewhere people will understand, and believe me, without judgement.
Fawn
