Turning - The Psy/Sang/Ubi Feeder Conundrum
Posted: Tue Nov 13, 2012 5:13 pm
It's taken me a long time to write this out, because I really felt that it needed some DEEP thought before I put it out here. Since the days of Anne Rice and The Lost Boys, and perhaps even before then, there have been those among us who long to be something other than human - for whatever reason. In my youth, and my naivete, I thought of Turning as something desirable because there is so much to learn here - so much to see, and do, so much to experience, that one lifetime is simply not enough. Others seek to escape mediocrity, or believe that Turned will improve their circumstances in other ways. I did grow out of that phase... not that it mattered in the end, but I did change my mind.
I'm writing this to explain some things about Turning, so that you can make an informed decision. Just like with keeping dark arts or black arts spirits and entities, having as much information at your fingertips as you can find is often the difference between disaster and security, no matter what your end decision is. If you have any questions about the subject at all, please post them. I will endeavor to answer as truthfully as I can - however, please understand that my knowledge as a human hybrid (and not a vampire, which seems to be the most popular choice) is limited.
To begin with, here is what I will NOT be discussing:
I will not be discussing full physical transformations. As far as anyone can tell, vampires, sang or psy, are extinct on Earth, or if they're not, they're so well hidden and/or integrated that the likelihood of you discovering one willing to turn you is even lower than the chance of you winning the Lottery and going on to become the Pope. True vampires, also, seem to be born, not made - which means that Turning someone effectively hybridizes them... there is no such thing, as far as I can tell, as a FULL transformation. The Ubi seem to be a strictly non-physical race also, so again, physical transformation is unlikely, and again, hybridization is the common result of a successful Turning. This is NOT to say that a successful Turning will not have physical consequences... only that Turning is not a physical process I have any experience with, so it doesn't fall within the scope of what I will be expressing.
I will not be discussing those cousin races who do not have the close ties necessary with humanity to Turn a human, such as Hags.
I will also not be discussing demons, angels, or wraiths (all of which a human may become through a variety of processes, but should each have their own discussion).
I'm going to start the article off with the Ubi. I know that most people are more interested in becoming vampires than Ubi, but... I find it's best to start with what you know, and go from there. Most of what you need to know can actually be extrapolated from this section, although minor differences will need to be covered in other entries to this thread.
First off... as far as I can tell, even spiritually, there is no such thing as a Full Transformation. There exists the possibility for partial hybridization between the Ubi and humans, but if you are Turned, you will still be mostly you. You will still be mortal. You will still have the ethical issues that a human, raised in a human society, by human morals, has when it comes to feeding on other humans. The only difference is that you will add a hunger for something other than food, and that parts of your personality may undergo a shift (sometimes dramatic, sometimes not), as will the way you affect other humans. Sometimes senses are expanded, sometimes not. Also, as far as I can tell, Turned hybrids, and in fact, born hybrids (of all three species) are all mules... I've yet to meet someone born or Turned who can Turn another. They can create offspring in the human way (though in some cases it's extremely difficult), but hybrids breeding with humans or even other hybrids simply weakens the strain of hybridization and leads to biological calamity via a whole host of physical, mental, and emotional issues for the offspring - problems that trend throughout the genetic line. If you want more information on these problems, I believe Ash is currently writing such an article - and he knows more about that subject than I do... so I'll stick with what I DO know... which is what it's like to be Turned and still human.
In order for you to understand why I think the decision to Turn must be an ethical one, I think you need to understand my own history, my own story. Some of it is rather personal, but... education supersedes privacy in something this important.
On February 15th of 2010, I was tricked into being Turned by an Ubi. Desire, who's name means Red Man, was indeed, quite red. He was also very lethal, and was... "hired," I suppose would be the best word for it, by my Patron at that time, to teach me Astral Combat and self-defense. He scared the crap out of me regularly, and for MONTHS I struggled to learn what he tried to teach, constantly waking up with new bruises. Eventually, I came to have a great deal of respect for him... so much that, when I discovered he was dying, I decided to save his life.
Ubi are born in a place called The Garden. Two are always hatched from the same egg. They are a mated pair. They mature in a matter of years - around 8 or so - and during their maturation, they are sustained by The Garden. It is their holiest place. No one who is not born to The Garden is ever allowed in, and going to The Garden is, in their culture, more sacred a pilgrimage than our own pilgrimages to Stonehenge, Mecca, or Jerusalem. To be CALLED to The Garden is even more of a big deal. And no... I'm not pure Ubi, so I don't get to go into The Garden, I'll never be Called, and I have no idea what it means, or what happens in there.
Anyway, once they reach full maturation and no longer need The Garden to sustain them, the Ubi have a... retractable spine. They implant what amounts to an egg, using that spine, into their mates, and then go their separate ways. The egg serves as a storage place for all the energies they take as they feed on their victims. Without that egg, the energies dissipate, and the Ubi starves. Both mates pool their energetic resources, so that the eggs fill up at the same rate. When the eggs have stored enough energy, the Ubi return to their mates, and a metamorphosis is triggered. Their consciousnesses recede into the eggs, and the eggs begin to grow inside the original bodies, while those bodies lie in torpor. Eventually, the body dissolves, and a refreshed, regenerated Ubi hatches out of the old shell. Occasionally, the Ubi, during the process of triggering metamorphosis, may exchange DNA, so that instead of the old Ubi, with all their memories intact arising out of the shell, a new Ubi with no memories arises. The two new Ubi will then go in search of new mates. A mate is required for both energy storage AND torpor. Without a mate, when torpor happens, even if the Ubi in question has an implanted egg, the Ubi will rot inside the shell of the old body.
The Astral Planes are not all delightful heavens with streets paved with gold and everyone singing for joy. The Ubi have fought in many wars, both amongst themselves, and for and against other races. Also, humans have, for a long time, associated the Ubi with demons, and have often taken violent steps towards removing them from a person's life - and yes, some Ubi fall in love with their prey, and yes, there have been Ubi who have killed humans - during the plagues it was particularly frequent, because finding a healthy food source was so difficult that if you found one, you DID become possessive of it, and you DID feed from that person only - however, it is a part of Ubi history and culture that many of them deeply regret - I have met Ubi who, to this day, weep for their losses. However long they live, however, just like us, they die. Desire's mate died. I never asked him how - the wound seemed to be so raw, I didn't think asking him to discuss it would be kind. They don't love each other the way we view love, but they do depend on each other, and they are very tightly knit to their mates.
When I discovered that Desire was soon to go into torpor, I didn't know about the spines and eggs... all I knew was that he was going to rot. He had spent MONTHS trying to teach me basic astral combat, and instead he could have been seeking out a mate for himself. The fact that he chose to dedicate his last few months of life to service, helping ME of ALL people, moved me deeply. The best tricks are the ones where the victim lands themselves on the hook FOR you. I offered to be his mate, an exchange of essences, because I truly believed that he deserved to be saved. More fool, I.
Desire, of course, accepted - it was, after all, his plan all along. He bit his lips bloody, and kissed me with that red, red mouth. He tasted like ashes and copper, like musk and salt. Afterwards, I slept, and he went into torpor. A month later, when he arose, he had my fae wings on his back - something he apparently didn't expect and was NOT amused by... and I... I had a hunger I could not quench, and suddenly random strangers were finding me VERY interesting, to an obsessive degree. It was... frightening and overwhelming.
Desire told me nothing of the eggs and the spines. I lacked options in the physical world at the time, so he hunted for me in the Astral, bringing people - usually human trash addicted to the touch of the Ubi - back to my Halls. He refused to take me to where the Ubi gathered, telling me that they would reject me because I wasn't pure. He told me that if he died, they would see the scars of my lack of a mate on me, and mob me, even practically rape me, FORCE me to take a mate. He kept me sequestered... his dirty little secret. It wasn't until LONG after he'd gone that I understood just how much of a cad he'd been. By not giving me an egg, he received all the benefits of my considerable energetic resources, thus ensuring his own survival during torpor, and yet remained free to find a pureblooded Ubi mate... and the nice thing about it all for him was that, even though the Ubi really frown on such behavior, because I wouldn't survive without an egg, and I'd been taught to fear what was now my own kind, I would slowly starve to death, and no one would be the wiser.
He never even taught me how to feed correctly or safely. He taught me NOTHING. And then one day he was gone.
I met my husband, and began to worry for him. I continued to feed astrally when I could find food, but now I had a human being living with me, and the potential for disaster, since I knew so little about my situation, was quite high. I was, of course, fairly open about what I was before we entered into a physical relationship - it's only right to tell someone, "Oh, btw, while we're having sex I'm going to be snacking..." In the end, however, astral sources and a physical source didn't make much difference. I started to starve. And then, I started going Hag. Mix an Ubi with a Sidhe, and that's what you get when the Ubi half gets hungry enough. I have enough faery in my blood to make that a very real problem... and the night I rode my husband and he had nightmares all night long, I realized I had a HUGE problem... and I didn't know WHY.
I spoke to my Patron about my fears, and She immediately understood the problem. "You need a mate. You're starving because you don't have one." Two nights later, She came back to me, and she brought G. with her. G. explained about the spines, the eggs, the lifecycle of the Ubi, he's taught me control... he's given me back my life, and he's saved my husband's. There are no amount of words I can use to express my gratitude for my G.
However... some things have changed. When I'm Hungry, humans around me get... distracted. They have a tendency to be... very sexual anyway... I really bring it out of them. They throw this energy at me like rice at a wedded couple... they can't help it, and I can't help exuding the aura that makes them do it. I don't have an extended lifespan. I have to have sex regularly to stay healthy, but I also have to be very, very careful of my husband, so that I don't hurt him, drain him, kill him. I don't have expanded senses, except that I can now sense desires, see... hot spots on people's bodies. I'm more sensual and more adventurous than I was. I'm also a little more predatory when it comes to sex, a little more dominant. I used to be extremely monogamous. Now I worry that someday, I might get hungry enough that I cheat. I affect both men and women - sometimes I affect gay men, if I'm really hungry, and frequently straight women (though let's face it, most straight women are more openminded than most straight men). I walk into a room and the "temperature" spikes. Conversations almost always turn sexual in my presence, even when I'm trying to contain myself and have a real discussion about important things.
Ethically, I have problems. I snack on my friends. I eat from my husband. I have MANY astral lovers - almost all of them one night stands. I have seen the damage that promiscuity does to relationships. My husband understands that flirting and sexual discussions are ways for me to mass-feed so no one, especially him, is harmed, but it disturbs him. I live in a society where polyamory is not accepted, where bisexuality is considered a "phase," or being greedy, and where there are a lot of hangups surrounding sex. The ethics of eating your friends and loved ones is... hairy. And the risk that someday I might take too much, too often, and hurt someone is always going to be there. Sure, I'm not fully Ubi, and such a draining takes sometimes months, and my husband and I have been together nearly two years now without mishaps, but that fear is ALWAYS in the back of my mind. These conundrums are not going to be resolved for a very long time. Yes, I have accepted that this is what I am, but I still fight with it every day.
The issue with being a Turned hybrid is this. You are still human, too - in fact, you are MOSTLY human. You still have a human mind, with human social concepts. You will ALWAYS be mostly human, only now, not only are you human, but you also EAT THEM. If you are considering being Turned... consider THAT. Look at your friends. Your family. Your loved ones. Now look at them and understand that you will be among them, but you won't be quite like them anymore - you will love them, but you will see them as victims, as food... and if you're not a sociopath, that guilt will eat away at you for a very, very long time, unless something goes wrong when you Turn.
I'm writing this to explain some things about Turning, so that you can make an informed decision. Just like with keeping dark arts or black arts spirits and entities, having as much information at your fingertips as you can find is often the difference between disaster and security, no matter what your end decision is. If you have any questions about the subject at all, please post them. I will endeavor to answer as truthfully as I can - however, please understand that my knowledge as a human hybrid (and not a vampire, which seems to be the most popular choice) is limited.
To begin with, here is what I will NOT be discussing:
I will not be discussing full physical transformations. As far as anyone can tell, vampires, sang or psy, are extinct on Earth, or if they're not, they're so well hidden and/or integrated that the likelihood of you discovering one willing to turn you is even lower than the chance of you winning the Lottery and going on to become the Pope. True vampires, also, seem to be born, not made - which means that Turning someone effectively hybridizes them... there is no such thing, as far as I can tell, as a FULL transformation. The Ubi seem to be a strictly non-physical race also, so again, physical transformation is unlikely, and again, hybridization is the common result of a successful Turning. This is NOT to say that a successful Turning will not have physical consequences... only that Turning is not a physical process I have any experience with, so it doesn't fall within the scope of what I will be expressing.
I will not be discussing those cousin races who do not have the close ties necessary with humanity to Turn a human, such as Hags.
I will also not be discussing demons, angels, or wraiths (all of which a human may become through a variety of processes, but should each have their own discussion).
I'm going to start the article off with the Ubi. I know that most people are more interested in becoming vampires than Ubi, but... I find it's best to start with what you know, and go from there. Most of what you need to know can actually be extrapolated from this section, although minor differences will need to be covered in other entries to this thread.
First off... as far as I can tell, even spiritually, there is no such thing as a Full Transformation. There exists the possibility for partial hybridization between the Ubi and humans, but if you are Turned, you will still be mostly you. You will still be mortal. You will still have the ethical issues that a human, raised in a human society, by human morals, has when it comes to feeding on other humans. The only difference is that you will add a hunger for something other than food, and that parts of your personality may undergo a shift (sometimes dramatic, sometimes not), as will the way you affect other humans. Sometimes senses are expanded, sometimes not. Also, as far as I can tell, Turned hybrids, and in fact, born hybrids (of all three species) are all mules... I've yet to meet someone born or Turned who can Turn another. They can create offspring in the human way (though in some cases it's extremely difficult), but hybrids breeding with humans or even other hybrids simply weakens the strain of hybridization and leads to biological calamity via a whole host of physical, mental, and emotional issues for the offspring - problems that trend throughout the genetic line. If you want more information on these problems, I believe Ash is currently writing such an article - and he knows more about that subject than I do... so I'll stick with what I DO know... which is what it's like to be Turned and still human.
In order for you to understand why I think the decision to Turn must be an ethical one, I think you need to understand my own history, my own story. Some of it is rather personal, but... education supersedes privacy in something this important.
On February 15th of 2010, I was tricked into being Turned by an Ubi. Desire, who's name means Red Man, was indeed, quite red. He was also very lethal, and was... "hired," I suppose would be the best word for it, by my Patron at that time, to teach me Astral Combat and self-defense. He scared the crap out of me regularly, and for MONTHS I struggled to learn what he tried to teach, constantly waking up with new bruises. Eventually, I came to have a great deal of respect for him... so much that, when I discovered he was dying, I decided to save his life.
Ubi are born in a place called The Garden. Two are always hatched from the same egg. They are a mated pair. They mature in a matter of years - around 8 or so - and during their maturation, they are sustained by The Garden. It is their holiest place. No one who is not born to The Garden is ever allowed in, and going to The Garden is, in their culture, more sacred a pilgrimage than our own pilgrimages to Stonehenge, Mecca, or Jerusalem. To be CALLED to The Garden is even more of a big deal. And no... I'm not pure Ubi, so I don't get to go into The Garden, I'll never be Called, and I have no idea what it means, or what happens in there.
Anyway, once they reach full maturation and no longer need The Garden to sustain them, the Ubi have a... retractable spine. They implant what amounts to an egg, using that spine, into their mates, and then go their separate ways. The egg serves as a storage place for all the energies they take as they feed on their victims. Without that egg, the energies dissipate, and the Ubi starves. Both mates pool their energetic resources, so that the eggs fill up at the same rate. When the eggs have stored enough energy, the Ubi return to their mates, and a metamorphosis is triggered. Their consciousnesses recede into the eggs, and the eggs begin to grow inside the original bodies, while those bodies lie in torpor. Eventually, the body dissolves, and a refreshed, regenerated Ubi hatches out of the old shell. Occasionally, the Ubi, during the process of triggering metamorphosis, may exchange DNA, so that instead of the old Ubi, with all their memories intact arising out of the shell, a new Ubi with no memories arises. The two new Ubi will then go in search of new mates. A mate is required for both energy storage AND torpor. Without a mate, when torpor happens, even if the Ubi in question has an implanted egg, the Ubi will rot inside the shell of the old body.
The Astral Planes are not all delightful heavens with streets paved with gold and everyone singing for joy. The Ubi have fought in many wars, both amongst themselves, and for and against other races. Also, humans have, for a long time, associated the Ubi with demons, and have often taken violent steps towards removing them from a person's life - and yes, some Ubi fall in love with their prey, and yes, there have been Ubi who have killed humans - during the plagues it was particularly frequent, because finding a healthy food source was so difficult that if you found one, you DID become possessive of it, and you DID feed from that person only - however, it is a part of Ubi history and culture that many of them deeply regret - I have met Ubi who, to this day, weep for their losses. However long they live, however, just like us, they die. Desire's mate died. I never asked him how - the wound seemed to be so raw, I didn't think asking him to discuss it would be kind. They don't love each other the way we view love, but they do depend on each other, and they are very tightly knit to their mates.
When I discovered that Desire was soon to go into torpor, I didn't know about the spines and eggs... all I knew was that he was going to rot. He had spent MONTHS trying to teach me basic astral combat, and instead he could have been seeking out a mate for himself. The fact that he chose to dedicate his last few months of life to service, helping ME of ALL people, moved me deeply. The best tricks are the ones where the victim lands themselves on the hook FOR you. I offered to be his mate, an exchange of essences, because I truly believed that he deserved to be saved. More fool, I.
Desire, of course, accepted - it was, after all, his plan all along. He bit his lips bloody, and kissed me with that red, red mouth. He tasted like ashes and copper, like musk and salt. Afterwards, I slept, and he went into torpor. A month later, when he arose, he had my fae wings on his back - something he apparently didn't expect and was NOT amused by... and I... I had a hunger I could not quench, and suddenly random strangers were finding me VERY interesting, to an obsessive degree. It was... frightening and overwhelming.
Desire told me nothing of the eggs and the spines. I lacked options in the physical world at the time, so he hunted for me in the Astral, bringing people - usually human trash addicted to the touch of the Ubi - back to my Halls. He refused to take me to where the Ubi gathered, telling me that they would reject me because I wasn't pure. He told me that if he died, they would see the scars of my lack of a mate on me, and mob me, even practically rape me, FORCE me to take a mate. He kept me sequestered... his dirty little secret. It wasn't until LONG after he'd gone that I understood just how much of a cad he'd been. By not giving me an egg, he received all the benefits of my considerable energetic resources, thus ensuring his own survival during torpor, and yet remained free to find a pureblooded Ubi mate... and the nice thing about it all for him was that, even though the Ubi really frown on such behavior, because I wouldn't survive without an egg, and I'd been taught to fear what was now my own kind, I would slowly starve to death, and no one would be the wiser.
He never even taught me how to feed correctly or safely. He taught me NOTHING. And then one day he was gone.
I met my husband, and began to worry for him. I continued to feed astrally when I could find food, but now I had a human being living with me, and the potential for disaster, since I knew so little about my situation, was quite high. I was, of course, fairly open about what I was before we entered into a physical relationship - it's only right to tell someone, "Oh, btw, while we're having sex I'm going to be snacking..." In the end, however, astral sources and a physical source didn't make much difference. I started to starve. And then, I started going Hag. Mix an Ubi with a Sidhe, and that's what you get when the Ubi half gets hungry enough. I have enough faery in my blood to make that a very real problem... and the night I rode my husband and he had nightmares all night long, I realized I had a HUGE problem... and I didn't know WHY.
I spoke to my Patron about my fears, and She immediately understood the problem. "You need a mate. You're starving because you don't have one." Two nights later, She came back to me, and she brought G. with her. G. explained about the spines, the eggs, the lifecycle of the Ubi, he's taught me control... he's given me back my life, and he's saved my husband's. There are no amount of words I can use to express my gratitude for my G.
However... some things have changed. When I'm Hungry, humans around me get... distracted. They have a tendency to be... very sexual anyway... I really bring it out of them. They throw this energy at me like rice at a wedded couple... they can't help it, and I can't help exuding the aura that makes them do it. I don't have an extended lifespan. I have to have sex regularly to stay healthy, but I also have to be very, very careful of my husband, so that I don't hurt him, drain him, kill him. I don't have expanded senses, except that I can now sense desires, see... hot spots on people's bodies. I'm more sensual and more adventurous than I was. I'm also a little more predatory when it comes to sex, a little more dominant. I used to be extremely monogamous. Now I worry that someday, I might get hungry enough that I cheat. I affect both men and women - sometimes I affect gay men, if I'm really hungry, and frequently straight women (though let's face it, most straight women are more openminded than most straight men). I walk into a room and the "temperature" spikes. Conversations almost always turn sexual in my presence, even when I'm trying to contain myself and have a real discussion about important things.
Ethically, I have problems. I snack on my friends. I eat from my husband. I have MANY astral lovers - almost all of them one night stands. I have seen the damage that promiscuity does to relationships. My husband understands that flirting and sexual discussions are ways for me to mass-feed so no one, especially him, is harmed, but it disturbs him. I live in a society where polyamory is not accepted, where bisexuality is considered a "phase," or being greedy, and where there are a lot of hangups surrounding sex. The ethics of eating your friends and loved ones is... hairy. And the risk that someday I might take too much, too often, and hurt someone is always going to be there. Sure, I'm not fully Ubi, and such a draining takes sometimes months, and my husband and I have been together nearly two years now without mishaps, but that fear is ALWAYS in the back of my mind. These conundrums are not going to be resolved for a very long time. Yes, I have accepted that this is what I am, but I still fight with it every day.
The issue with being a Turned hybrid is this. You are still human, too - in fact, you are MOSTLY human. You still have a human mind, with human social concepts. You will ALWAYS be mostly human, only now, not only are you human, but you also EAT THEM. If you are considering being Turned... consider THAT. Look at your friends. Your family. Your loved ones. Now look at them and understand that you will be among them, but you won't be quite like them anymore - you will love them, but you will see them as victims, as food... and if you're not a sociopath, that guilt will eat away at you for a very, very long time, unless something goes wrong when you Turn.