Blockage because of fear of insanity, I guess

[Nathayra]

I am reading in this forum for over a year now and kind of wanted to write a longer introcudtion for myself but never did it. Halloween and all I think I will finally sit down. So, sorry this will be pretty long,so TL;DR: my families holy grail is reason, I am pretty sure spirits exist but have this irrational fear that if i admitt it I will drift into territory where I will apear insane to my surrounding but don't notice it myself. Probably only upbringing but I just can not get over it. Do you have suggestions?

Longer version:
I am from a family of scientists of which some fall into the asperger spectrum, too. So in my family, logic and reason is the one thing to adhere to. Also, 'insane' or 'illogical' are used as insults and persons that believe in esoterics laughed about. I got that very early and never talked about stuff I could not explain. I also don't know if a near-death experience I had as baby could play into some of it. So, for the side why I am pretty sure paranomal stuff exists:
- When in preschool, I often instinctively searched for my cigarettes. Like watching TV, patting blindely on the table to grab the pack and light one, then remembering I am a child and don't smoke. I also held a belive I was a bellet dancer that died in her late 30s
- We had a habit of gathering for dinner to certain times and being punished when not punctual. When sitting at the table waiting for our parents, I would do special breathing to fly over our neighbors trees and watch the birds. Kind of forgot till reading books about astral travel in my 20s.
- At about 7 went to the bathroom one night to find a creature in the hallway that chased me back to my bedroom. Long time could not describe it till some year later we learned about the egyptian scrol of death in school and there something similar was sitting next to the scale that weights the heart. Also, till this day my subconscious insits to not say that name, not even think it, else it will come back.
- that game where kids would look out of a car and imagine a man jumping over houses? I often did that, but I saw dog-like things in the woods that would run along the car, sometimes further away, sometimes nearer. About that one I talked with the parants of a close friend but that is just something all children imagine, right?
- In my teenage years I had a phase of about 6 months where I would sometimes sleepwalk and have intense nightmares of dying. Not almost dying and yearking awake, but only waking up after drowning, falling and smashing into concrete, being eaten (actually quite interesting, that one), shot,... Also then finding for example my piercings lying in a neat row at the window next morning. A task that would take me halve an our of concentrated work when awake. Did stop after some time on it's own but later shortly reapear. In that case I would always be in the same ruined building and been chased by the same human-looking creature. Always the same: searching for a way out, everything is locked, running into this thing, being chased till it finally got me. Also, my subconcious thinks if I think about this too long, it will restart.
- having a connection with family members, mostly my mother. Like we would know if someone runs late or if I would miss certain groceries to cook dinner she would come in from work and be like: 'I bought this, I don't know why, I whought you would be happy.' And for sure it would be whatever I missed for cocking
- I like tattoos and piercings and got havily tattoed quite early. I had my whole back done one day and was lying in bed (upper level of bunck bed) on my stomache, could not sleep. There was still TV running in the living room and light and my door was open so I could yell if I needed something. At some point I saw a large silhuette standing in the doorway. And from what I could see it appeared to be a large minotaur with a huge ax on his back. I just pretended to be asleep and after a minute or so there was nothing in the doorway anymore
- in my midt 20s I had a severe infection and got heavy antibiotics. Was in a delirium for 1-2 days and saw and felt some weird stuff. Could not describe it but I hope I never have to take this pills again
- had a roommate that often talked about how she could see ghosts till her late 20s before she almost crashed her car because of one and had her third eye sealed. I don't think that she fabricated that and she was rational with every other topic
- I know when family members are dying. Just this fealing of: you have to go, now. You need to be there by x time. Which is nice for me to say goodbye but my aunt is severely creeped out and talks only the bare minimum with me
- also, I usually sense energy of places and tend to sleep a night in a new flat before moving in to get to know the place or say goodbye when moving out. I hold the superstition that that helps with nothing happening in my flats and no machines breaking.

I don't really know why I started spirit keeping. I got the first spirits as surprise spirits from CH and I think I had at leats 3 contact me before they were bound:
- had a dream with a blonde man that was so baffingly different from everything I dreamt before, that I wondered till I read the discription of the spirit
- had one night just the strange sensation of somebody being in my badroom and watching me when I went to bed. Neutral feeling but just annoying, because I could not go to sleep while something was staring at me. Moved to garden at some point and when I draw the curtains shut the feeling disappeared
- One night heared some sassy womans voice make remarks. Again, kind of made sense after reading the spirit description
Also the topics of my dreams changed significantly. Up to that point, I would mostly be alone in my dreams, often in danger. Now, most of the time I am surrounded by a group of people and we do stuff as a group. Or I have dreams with family members or collegues, which I never had before.

So, what is the problem now... I am a scientists. I have to be rational and highly functional. Reading stories here about people seeing or hearing their spirits constantly, I want that too. But a part of me just imagines my spirits running through my lab while I am working and knocking over stuff and is like: If you are seeing thinks, you go insane and should talk to a doctor. I have had problems with anciety attacks and agoraphobia during my bachelors and this part of me just insists that my brain is prone to malfunctioning and I should not force it or risk it. And my subconscious just chimes in with: there are some things that can harm you, if you see them or recognize their existence, so best not look.
I just don't know how to sort that out and feel increasingly bad for my spirits, because I fell like I don't even try to connect. I am putting out offerings but whenever I plan down and meditate and breath and talk to them I find thousand things to do and procrastinate till I can tell myself: Oh, now it's too late, back to bed, we can do that tomorrow. So, how do you all make sure you are not drifting into "old hag in a cottage screaming at the walls" territory?

[CH Moderator]

Topic moved to suitable section.

[Huffdamagicdragon]

My wife frequently says I think too much. I am hyperanalytical to the point I can find problems in machines that confound other mechanics.One perfect example was when I arrived at the beginning of my shift to be called to a machine that had been down four hours. When I got to the machine four mechanics were standing around (including the shift leader who is now my boss) the machine looking very frustrated. They ran the machine through a cycle to show me what the machine was doing. A complex machine that uses ladderlogic electric controls. I took one of the techs with me to another machine to demonstrate what the machine was supposed to do and before we got there I said lets go back ...I knew what was wrong. I got there and turned a valve handle 180 degrees, said "okay try it now" and walked away. I didn't want to laugh in their faces so I walked away. One of my coworkers came running up behind me laughing his a$$ off saying I left them stunned when the machine worked perfectly. I had used no tools or voltmeter. Nothing but my knowledge of the machines operation.

So I know what you are saying about believing what you can't see. My wife sees things and I know she is telling me truthfullly what is there with no physical evidence. I can know things with no apparent source of that knowledge. I slow down when driving and find out why I slowed down as a deer comes out of the woods that I would have hit had I not slowed down.Other times , there was a cop around the curve or just over the hill out of sight.

[Lux]

Hi and welcome! I can tell you from the point of view of my experience, how I dealt with the same question. I have a strong sense of logic too and I have been scared of the same, actually sometimes I still get the same fear when things get quite weird and I can not explain them with logic. But after all these years and many weird paranormal experiences, nothing has happened. I maintain my sanity and my logic is fully functioning. For the sake of my mental peace, I choose to share spirit keeping things only with few people who do not judge. Certain things that happened spooked me but that did not interrupt my ability to work in this reality and focus on mundane stuff. If you set boundaries, and do not allow your spiritual experiences to take full control, just like you would not allow many other things to take control of your life, it should all go well. You are the driver, you decide how much control you want to give away.

[ASTER]

Ditto from me as well along the line of answers. I don't want to repeat or give an extra explanation. It would be very similar. Don't share your treasure with the world if you get nervous from their reactions. It was an interesting reading. You are very special human being.

[Metheus North]

I have had similar experiences when I was growing up. I saw spirits from a young age. I called them shadows because I didn't know what else to call them. I would smell things like perfumes (still do) along with other stuff.

I'm taking a medicine called Prazosin for my nightmares. I have had them since I was a child. Horrible nightmares that I don't want to describe, at least not now.

I am pursuing a BA degree in psychology. I love the sciences. However, I also experience too many metaphysical situations that others have also acknowledged which leads me to conclude that this is reality. At some point, scientists may be able to comprehend the spiritual. It is a never-ending search for answers, questioning what is yet to be found that encourages me to continue my journey.

I can understand the internal struggle of logic and reason against the yet to be proven. At these times, I think back to the Wright brothers and how people laughed at them when they developed a way for humans to fly. The airplane seemed illogical at the time but now, it is one of the most used forms of travel.

We as human beings can not grasp everything that is possible. There are so many more innovative inventions yet to be developed. Even though we believe that there is nothing left to discover, someone will come up with something amazing.

Just something to consider when you have doubts.

When it comes to fear, it is an emotion that can help save lives or prevent us from discovering the unknown. Spirits for protection (like the Volkh) can help guard you from malicious entities. CH has valuable resources for protecting yourself and your family. If you are apprehensive about working with spirits, there are a plethora of spells as well.

Just take your time. Don't force yourself.

[Vipera aspis atra]

I massively respect the sciences and take a scientific approach to magic and spiritual connection. Meaning.. there are ways to control experiments in proving or validating results with the ephemeral, and things of magic have formulae to them - they don't just come out of thin air or happen by chance.

Those who devote themselves as wholly to this realm of the metaphysical get into such practices of dissecting how and why things work or manifest, and don't simply have blind faith. What I'm telling you is that there is a science to everything.. including the paranormal. You have strengths that would lend to further verifying and understanding your paranormal experiences, and if you'd like to do that you will find the way how.

It is absolutely possible to balance a logical mind with metaphysical practice and interests. I consider myself a healthy skeptic and have found ways to prove everything that I interact with or work with in this area.
Over time in doing this you're able to relax and accept the things you can't explain as well, as you will comprehend that there is a reason to it - just not one you currently have.

And there are plenty of unexplained things occurring in this world that scientists are still trying to figure out, so all of this is not that strange at all. There are places on this earth we reside on that at this very moment remain unexplored, there are pieces of history archaeologists continue to dig up that we knew nothing about a day before they have, creatures of the deep sea that were thought extinct but are found living, etc. So very many examples of what we cannot see or understand existing around us, yet to be measured.

Scientists should be open-minded. Those that scoff at the esoteric or paranormal are not good scientists. A scientist should be motivated to explain the unexplained, not to denounce it as rubbish before even attempting. It seems like you're open minded, and you've had many experiences - quite a few of which sound incredibly legitimate to me. Keep on with your open mind and take the stance of a scientist who wants to answer these things instead of reject their credibility before trying, and you'll find your balance.

[Lewk]

And - only if you genuinely would find it interesting - Dean Radin, chief scientist at the Noetic Institute, published a book over 20 years ago that has put to bed all scientifically based scepticism of the existence of psychic phenomena.

See https://www.deanradin.com/conscious-universe

Dean Radin's meta-review of valid research in that book showed that the scientific requirement for statistical validity in experiments (5-sigma) has long been exceeded. Sceptics themselves have been involved in designing experiments whose results can be relied on. It really, really is genuine.

Reading it ended any doubts I had about the scientific validity of psi phenomena.

A professor of statistics and a Nobel prize winning physicist are among those who have praised his work.
He's dealt with it on a scientific basis, at any rate, but those scientists who are emotionally wedded to Skepticism of 'woo-woo' stuff - almost as their own religion - remain very unhappy and take every opportunity to try and undermine and misrepresent what the science on parapsychology says. (Edits of Dean Radin's Wikipedia page are a good example of this imbalanced attitude.)

Rather than say 'the glass is half full of water', they focus religiously on representing it as half empty.

There is water in the glass. Psi phenomena are genuine. We're not mad.

I met a friend recently who I hadn't seen for 25 years. It was at a memorial event for someone we both knew who'd died during the Covid lockdown in my country. We had a chat over drinks and he turned to me with a smile on his face and said: "Do you remember all those years ago you told me you talked to plants and rocks? I thought you were a bit barmy then. I'm not laughing now."

I asked him why. It turns out he's doing a PhD in parapsychology and is very familiar with the work of the Noetic Institute and the fact that psi phenomena have been proven to exist, on a rigorous scientific basis. That battle's over. But the losers really don't want to admit defeat.

I respect everyone's right to freedom of belief but when it comes to scientific fairness, you can't say psychic phenomena are so weird that we can't apply the same threshold for statistical validity as other fields of science. (That's just not scientific.)

[Nathayra]

Hi Huff,

thanks for your reply. I can relate to the deer story... I was at some point living in a village where deer would hide against hunters. Driving home, I was on the passanger seat and told the driver "there will a deer jump from right after xy's house". The deer came from the other direction, but...

How do you feel about your wife seeing things (and you not, as I get it)? I wonder weather it would help me to actually see something or freak me out completely.
I am sometimes nervous about someone from my keep just dropping by visibly and scarring me. On the other hand, I guess that will not happen until I made up my mind about what I actually want.

So I know what you are saying about believing what you can't see. My wife sees things and I know she is telling me truthfullly what is there with no physical evidence. I can know things with no apparent source of that knowledge. I slow down when driving and find out why I slowed down as a deer comes out of the woods that I would have hit had I not slowed down. Other times, there was a cop around the curve or just over the hill out of sight.

[Nathayra]

Hi Angelik,

nice to know that you had the same questions and dealt with it. I hope your boundary advice will be true once I am able to dive deeper

If you set boundaries, and do not allow your spiritual experiences to take full control, just like you would not allow many other things to take control of your life, it should all go well. You are the driver, you decide how much control you want to give away.