Nathayra wrote: ↑Sun Oct 31, 2021 12:27 pm
I am reading in this forum for over a year now and kind of wanted to write a longer introcudtion for myself but never did it. Halloween and all I think I will finally sit down. So, sorry this will be pretty long,so TL;DR: my families holy grail is reason, I am pretty sure spirits exist but have this irrational fear that if i admitt it I will drift into territory where I will apear insane to my surrounding but don't notice it myself. Probably only upbringing but I just can not get over it. Do you have suggestions?
Longer version:
I am from a family of scientists of which some fall into the asperger spectrum, too. So in my family, logic and reason is the one thing to adhere to. Also, 'insane' or 'illogical' are used as insults and persons that believe in esoterics laughed about. I got that very early and never talked about stuff I could not explain. I also don't know if a near-death experience I had as baby could play into some of it. So, for the side why I am pretty sure paranomal stuff exists:
- When in preschool, I often instinctively searched for my cigarettes. Like watching TV, patting blindely on the table to grab the pack and light one, then remembering I am a child and don't smoke. I also held a belive I was a bellet dancer that died in her late 30s
- We had a habit of gathering for dinner to certain times and being punished when not punctual. When sitting at the table waiting for our parents, I would do special breathing to fly over our neighbors trees and watch the birds. Kind of forgot till reading books about astral travel in my 20s.
- At about 7 went to the bathroom one night to find a creature in the hallway that chased me back to my bedroom. Long time could not describe it till some year later we learned about the egyptian scrol of death in school and there something similar was sitting next to the scale that weights the heart. Also, till this day my subconscious insits to not say that name, not even think it, else it will come back.
- that game where kids would look out of a car and imagine a man jumping over houses? I often did that, but I saw dog-like things in the woods that would run along the car, sometimes further away, sometimes nearer. About that one I talked with the parants of a close friend but that is just something all children imagine, right?
- In my teenage years I had a phase of about 6 months where I would sometimes sleepwalk and have intense nightmares of dying. Not almost dying and yearking awake, but only waking up after drowning, falling and smashing into concrete, being eaten (actually quite interesting, that one), shot,... Also then finding for example my piercings lying in a neat row at the window next morning. A task that would take me halve an our of concentrated work when awake. Did stop after some time on it's own but later shortly reapear. In that case I would always be in the same ruined building and been chased by the same human-looking creature. Always the same: searching for a way out, everything is locked, running into this thing, being chased till it finally got me. Also, my subconcious thinks if I think about this too long, it will restart.
- having a connection with family members, mostly my mother. Like we would know if someone runs late or if I would miss certain groceries to cook dinner she would come in from work and be like: 'I bought this, I don't know why, I whought you would be happy.' And for sure it would be whatever I missed for cocking
- I like tattoos and piercings and got havily tattoed quite early. I had my whole back done one day and was lying in bed (upper level of bunck bed) on my stomache, could not sleep. There was still TV running in the living room and light and my door was open so I could yell if I needed something. At some point I saw a large silhuette standing in the doorway. And from what I could see it appeared to be a large minotaur with a huge ax on his back. I just pretended to be asleep and after a minute or so there was nothing in the doorway anymore
- in my midt 20s I had a severe infection and got heavy antibiotics. Was in a delirium for 1-2 days and saw and felt some weird stuff. Could not describe it but I hope I never have to take this pills again
- had a roommate that often talked about how she could see ghosts till her late 20s before she almost crashed her car because of one and had her third eye sealed. I don't think that she fabricated that and she was rational with every other topic
- I know when family members are dying. Just this fealing of: you have to go, now. You need to be there by x time. Which is nice for me to say goodbye but my aunt is severely creeped out and talks only the bare minimum with me
- also, I usually sense energy of places and tend to sleep a night in a new flat before moving in to get to know the place or say goodbye when moving out. I hold the superstition that that helps with nothing happening in my flats and no machines breaking.
I don't really know why I started spirit keeping. I got the first spirits as surprise spirits from CH and I think I had at leats 3 contact me before they were bound:
- had a dream with a blonde man that was so baffingly different from everything I dreamt before, that I wondered till I read the discription of the spirit
- had one night just the strange sensation of somebody being in my badroom and watching me when I went to bed. Neutral feeling but just annoying, because I could not go to sleep while something was staring at me. Moved to garden at some point and when I draw the curtains shut the feeling disappeared
- One night heared some sassy womans voice make remarks. Again, kind of made sense after reading the spirit description
Also the topics of my dreams changed significantly. Up to that point, I would mostly be alone in my dreams, often in danger. Now, most of the time I am surrounded by a group of people and we do stuff as a group. Or I have dreams with family members or collegues, which I never had before.
So, what is the problem now... I am a scientists. I have to be rational and highly functional. Reading stories here about people seeing or hearing their spirits constantly, I want that too. But a part of me just imagines my spirits running through my lab while I am working and knocking over stuff and is like: If you are seeing thinks, you go insane and should talk to a doctor. I have had problems with anciety attacks and agoraphobia during my bachelors and this part of me just insists that my brain is prone to malfunctioning and I should not force it or risk it. And my subconscious just chimes in with: there are some things that can harm you, if you see them or recognize their existence, so best not look.
I just don't know how to sort that out and feel increasingly bad for my spirits, because I fell like I don't even try to connect. I am putting out offerings but whenever I plan down and meditate and breath and talk to them I find thousand things to do and procrastinate till I can tell myself: Oh, now it's too late, back to bed, we can do that tomorrow. So, how do you all make sure you are not drifting into "old hag in a cottage screaming at the walls" territory?
