Feeling confused and rejected

[Nimari]

I apologize as this is gonna be a long post.

A little bit of background info, I am not entirely new to spirit keeping however I only recently decided to bring spirits into my keep again. I wanted an Incubus as I have a history with sexual trauma and saw an opportunity to heal those traumas and gain a healthier prospective on sex and intimacy, I was not looking for romance. Things didn't go quite as planned however as it seems my interest in the more sexual spirits definitely drew some attention outside of the single Incubus I had custom conjured by CH.

Now, I currently have an unbound Incubus companion who came into my life a little over a month ago, I do believe he is a living entity. He's sweet and caring and from the moment he made his presence known I have felt a deep connection to him. I trust him and have never felt any reason to believe his intentions were not true. When he first came to me his lust was very clear, so strong my clairsentience picked it up as my own, but he was also restrained making it very clear he would not be acting on it unless I had him bound. Turned out he had never been intimate without feeding on energy before and thus was hesitant for the sake of my health, however after several weeks of me researching and reading (not necessarily with that goal in mind so much as general learning) and learning an intimate relationship was possible without risk, he gave in to his and my lustier desires. Slowly at first, no more than touching without the act itself, but eventually when that seemed safe enough, we began a more physically intimate relationship. He never fed on me during, something that surprised me given the myths, and honestly at the time I didn't think I would have minded since that sort of act does release quite a bit of, energy.

Our “relationship” wasn’t just sex though, he genuinely seemed to care about me. He would encourage me to pursue my passions, and constantly tell me how much potential I have. He raised concerns over things I did that he felt could put me in harms way, he even told me I was diving too far into the spiritual without proper protection, warning me that it was drawing attention from other unbounds. I asked if the ones currently present and circling seemed malicious and he said no but he was protective and even at times a little possessive over me so I understood the general concern.

After the change to our dynamic I did a Tarot reading with him using a communication spread. The first card of the draw is supposed to represent your relationship with your companion. He had me draw the Ten of cups. Not only did he touch my hand when I brushed over the card (his way of telling me which cards to pull) but when I held it in my hand without looking at it and asked him to confirm that card with the pendulum he did. The meaning of which is "there is a sense of happiness, emotional and spiritual fulfillment, harmony and alignment in your relationship. Domestic bliss, divine love, long term relationships, soulmates and true contentment describe your life right now." While, as stated, I had not been looking for romance, this message made me happy because deep down it was something I did want from him. Hearing that that was how he was feeling made me become open to the idea of more, albeit still insecure as to whether it was real or projection or if I was reading too much into it, I'll be honest, I'm a little messed up and have a lot of abandonment issues. But despite all of that he always was open and clear in his intentions and despite me constantly wondering why, he made it clear he wanted to be bound to me. In other tarot readings I asked why he wanted to be with me, he said that he had been unhappy, but that I changed that. His last pull with me was on Thursday, he had me pull The Star; hope, contentment, healing.

It should be noted in our time together, he had fed off my energy only twice. After the second time I told him about my hesitations and asked questions about it. The final being that while I didn't believe he would intentionally hurt me, was there any potential for him to accidentally hurt me, he offered a hesitant yes, and I could feel his shame. After that he made it clear he would not be feeding from me again, and in a tarot reading days later he brought it up in apology for acting rash without thinking and potentially endangering me with his actions.

A few days ago, something seemed wrong with him though. He wasn't communicating with me, and when he did it was weak. Keep in mind I am using a CH spelled pendulum for communication. Feeling as though something was wrong, I asked him if he was ok, he said no. I asked him if he was in danger, yes. and after several hours of trying to figure out why and what was happening, I eventually asked if he was weak from lack of feeding. Yes. Turns out In the month that I had been with him, he hadn't fed except for the little he had taken from me. So fearing for his health, I told him to feed from me again, something that he seemed reluctant to do but needing to, did. He was weak the rest of the day and I told him he needed to go feed as I couldn't be his only energy source. He did that night and the next day had enough energy to communicate a little more openly. He hadn't been feeding because he had wanted to be monogamous apparently. I told him that I didn't expect or need that from him, I just wanted him as he was and I encouraged him to start a healthy habit of feeding, and he reluctantly obliged, though never from me. Aside from how he was physically, I also asked him how he was mentally, the previous day had been stressful and despite my better intentions, my anxiety got the better of me and I ended up throwing a lot of emotions his way. I was genuinely concerned for him. He told me that mentally he was exhausted, but I pressed for more from him which only lead to more tension between us and fed into my insecurity.

So yesterday I emotionally vomited every feeling, thought, and desire of mine his way. I was raw and honest, and the results were, heartbreaking. I asked every question I had been afraid to ask but had secretly wanted to. I started with whether everything I felt was one sided. Mostly yes. I asked if he loved me, and while he said yes, he also said he doesn’t want me. I didn’t understand what that meant and so he elaborated. Friends. He loves me like a friend. It was hard to hear but at least I knew before I fell for him completely, and of course, friends with benefits didn’t seem so bad, I mean afterall that was what I originally wanted. But that’s not what he wants. He doesn’t want to continue a physically intimate relationship. Sexually rejected by a sexual entity… ouch. But ok, I get it, sort of, at least I could pretend I did. That was until his final declaration… He no longer wishes to be bound to me.

My head was whirling, and I don’t understand what happened. How does one go from “domestic bliss” and telling me that I brought happiness into his life to suddenly less than two weeks later I only want to be friends and your feelings are one sided? He said that he would continue to stay and work with me as friends but didn’t want me to bind him. He’s fully aware of my abandonment issues and hearing that triggered them.

Trying to be understanding of what he wanted, I decided to pull back, I told him I wouldn’t be spending as much time with him and he seemed to understand that. I offered that if he still wish to join me in SLEEP on his designated days he was welcome to but was under no obligation to join me (cuddles seem rather intimate after all). He said he still would and joined me last night, cuddling me. Every time he touched me it pissed me off, how could he be so nonchalant while I was hurting.

So this morning I demanded we do a tarot reading, I needed answers. What changed, what happened, why.
Why- The Fool; new beginnings. He’s on a different path now
What changed- Wheel of fortune; life is in a constant state of change, if you’re going through tough times, know that it will change.
I felt this answer was cold and dismissive, I told him things don’t just change over night. So either everything he said before was a lie, or he was lying now. He said everything before was a lie.
why would he do that- King of wands; he’s friendly and good with words but needs his freedom.
I scoffed at this answer which was yet again dismissive towards my feelings and everything he was putting me through, he lied because he could was what he had essentially said. And when I asked him that he admitted it as truth.
So why stay? You don’t want me, you don’t want to be bound, why stick around?- six of wands; reaching success, victory.

I felt physically ill. Hurting me was a success? Yes. His answer to that question was yes. I couldn’t believe this was the same person from days prior. And what was the purpose of it all? I told him I wanted him to leave, if this was his idea of success, I needed him out of my life. I asked if he would leave and he said he would.

What I still don’t understand is how my Volkh would allow a malicious entity into my life when I had been very clear in my instruction to him that all malicious entities were to be kept away from me. Or why would my Fylgia not warn me? And even beyond that, my custom bound incubus (D) who even went as far as to say he LIKED this unbound. I asked D if the unbound had been malicious and he gave a hesitant no, but was obviously in shock as I was sitting there crying. I just can’t wrap my head around what happened or why.

I'm not sure if I'm looking for input or just to rant, maybe both. I'm emotionally distressed and hurting and I don't know what to think or feel anymore. This whole situation makes me regret getting back into spirit keeping which just makes me feel guilty because the spirits in my keep aren't the bad ones here. But I was perfectly happy and content prior to this all happening and now I feel like old wounds have been ripped open. Part of me wonders if the last reading was him pushing me away and intentionally hurting me so I'd be the one to ask him to leave, so he didn't abandon me, knowing that that would hurt me more than anything else he could have done. I asked him as much but he didn't answer. Maybe he had already left at that point, I don't know. Things just don't add up.

[CH Moderator]

Topic moved to suitable section.

[Lux]

I hope you will soon find peace.
I do not know if this is your case, but I just know there are spirits who lie, and some they tell you the opposite of what they mean just to provoke a reaction...so it is important to understand what the "language" of the spirit is..It is easy to project human feelings on them, but although some have similarities with humans, they reason in another way, some behave in a very unpredictable and non-coherent way compared to our "human standards", not linear and very hard to understand for our human brain...so your confusion is more than normal. In any case I hope you will find a resolution.

[Lewk]

[...]
A few days ago, something seemed wrong with him though. He wasn't communicating with me, and when he did it was weak. Keep in mind I am using a CH spelled pendulum for communication. Feeling as though something was wrong, I asked him if he was ok, he said no. I asked him if he was in danger, yes.[...]

[...]Things just don't add up.

I also hope you find a peaceful resolution of this issue. Don't be down-heartened.

With a disclaimer that I don't really know - and I'm not an expert in everything, here are a few thoughts.

Pendulum use - far more experienced Forum members than me have pointed out that pendulum use for spirit communication is notoriously unreliable. It is extremely easy to find yourself dowsing your preoccupations, worries or expectations. So we may find we have excellent communication sometimes but more of a block at other times.

For this reason, it has been advised to not ask major questions then base our view of our self or our life on the yes or no answer that results alone. Example of questions to be avoided have been: Am I good? Does so-and-so love me? And so on. I think the questions you were asking fall into this kind of category and it reads like you were in a state of uncertainty or anxiety, which are classic ways to develop a communication block.

I also think when we're not talking about life and death scenarios - ie when there's less attached to the answers - we can handle it all more easily. In fact our intuition probably works more smoothly when we're not at all anxious about the answers; when they're less important; when we place less of a burden on the whole thing.

Its good you have a CH pendulum, which may have come with instructions. Have you also seen this?
viewtopic.php?f=259&t=63512&p=672825&hilit=task#p672825


Spirits' perspective

Spirits do tend to see things differently from us too. Sometimes just enough to confuse things. So in my opinion it's probably best to not think their every answer means exactly what we would think it means. 'I think my spirit friend has rejected' me could be rephrased either as: 'I think my spirit friend may be seeing things from a different angle to me; I wonder what that is?' or 'I wonder what they really mean; perhaps I misunderstood or misinterpreted things?'

Plus I do think with unbound spirits both they and we are feeling our way to what our relationship really is. An unbound might need to keep checking with us what we want or are happy with. Or they may be puzzled by our take on things and be hesitant to confirm or commit when spoken with, as they sense a disjunct. Sometimes they see things far more clearly than us but are having to deal with our mundane, nit-picking questions. (This is a general observation, not a comment on your situation.)

Unbound v bound relationships

I think you said this spirit is unbound? In my opinion, if he consents to be bound, this may put the whole relationship on a clear foundation. (There should no longer be any worries about feeding etc for a start.) The Keeper-bound spirit relationship is one of mutual alignment, lifelong, based on respect and friendship. You know they want to be with you.

The spirits' right to consent or not consent to intimacy should be respected but they can choose to if they want and the keeper is up for that.

It could be a kindness to both spirit and keeper. (Making everything clearer.)

What you wrote suggested to me that this spirit could conceivably be quite considerate. But I don't know, of course. I think if you task your Volkh to keep out any malicious beings, that still doesn't stop you using your free will to contact a spirit and engage in risky behaviour and they wouldn't stop you doing that, unless you told them to. Maybe asking a spirit to feed off you could count as that, depending on the circumstances.

My advice would be try and get as clear as possible on what you want, what's good for you etc. I think our spirits tend to find things easier when we're clear in ourselves, as they want to help us. If we ourselves don't know what we want, where does that leave them?

And upping our protection plans is never a bad thing.

However, back to the start of my post, I don't really know. I could be wrong. But those are the thoughts that come to mind. I hope some of it's useful.

[Vipera aspis atra]

Okay, when he said he wanted to be bound, before any further contact you should have sought a binding from CH. It seems like you never had the binding done and were communing with some unbound the entire time (correct me if this is wrong). This would have helped you clarify his info and intentions, and if it really was a living entity or a powerful spirit or a trickster or a thoughtform.

If you're not a very skilled psychic, there's easily room for misinterpretation, for confusion and trickery, for things to get impossibly muddled in 'communications'. Everyone needs to trust their intuition in order to build upon it, but seeing that you are coming from a place of deep personal pain - you need to focus on methods of healing and working through this that do not rely as much on a presence. Because you have abandonment issues it's unwise to get involved with a presence you can hardly clearly communicate with, but I understand that you were vulnerable to what felt like a comforting bond.

I am not saying these spirits cannot be helpful for a person with your issues -- but you had gotten in too deep, too fast, without working on stabilizing yourself independently as far as I can see. You weren't coming at this from a balanced perspective at all. And if your connection was built mostly off of pendulum, tarot, and the like, with only a minor ability to detect and discern energies, half of the answers you've received at any point of this situation could be bogus or off. How is your protection? How do you discern between presences? How do you ground yourself so that you're not influencing the answers you receive? So many questions to be asked. I believe your emotional state can really skew things and you were so into this connection there is no doubt in my mind answers from beginning to where you ended off with this presence were skewed. You don't have much of a way of determining that it was even a single being consistently engaging with you and not multiple beings. I don't say any of this to make you doubt your past communications with beings, I am more concerned with this situation as you mentioned they are unbound and again, you were in a very vulnerable position here.

You need to stop where you are and take a whole huge step back to assess the situation logically. Please try to think about this from the stance that you're not actually clear on any of it, rather than standing firm on troublesome conclusions. It could have been a presence that came through just to mess with you as there are beings that gravitate toward troubled souls and feed on re-traumatizing you, it could also be that you interacted with a very beautiful presence and that got intercepted by some jerk, and it could also be that you are unconsciously influencing all of this based on your irreconciled shadow and all of the trauma that is part of it which would mean more or less in divination you were conversing with yourself. Your desire to re-enter into an intimate relationship and be able to trust in someone again could have resurfaced a hellscape of deterring psychic energy from within you and unconscious sabotage.

If you need more in depth assistance from people who are used to hearing about and helping with these situations, you could contact CH as they will be open to tapping into what you've experienced. You may even want to try out this listing: https://shop.creepyhollows.com/psychic- ... ation.html

Otherwise just start from the ground up. Focus on taking care of yourself, strengthening your abilities independent of these presences, and work toward a more confident place where you can go back to this situation and dissect what really occurred.

And do not interact with unbound LIVING incubi anyway. They can be extremely dark and their need to feed changes the perspective they have of us. It doesn't mean all of them are out to get us but it would be much better for someone in your position to keep unbounds out until you're more skilled, have more time to heal, and work solely with companions bound by trusted practitioners until you are protected and have it together enough to open up. For your safety, peace of mind, and ease of growth on this journey.

(Forgive me if I'm repeating anything stated by others as I've only skimmed this thread.)