The Thin Woman - 2016.04.18

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The Thin Woman - 2016.04.18

Postby Alys-RaccoonReadings » Mon Jun 12, 2017 3:59 pm

Last night as I took my seat to meditate, I noticed that I had a lot of resistance. But I decided to forge ahead because I wanted to spend time with my "Wednesday Spirits." Immediately as I closed my eyes I had an impression of a skeletally thin blonde woman. She was so hungry and so aggressive. I could sense her in my teeth too. It was like biting rocks, and the feeling went down to the roots of my teeth and all around my jaws and throat. It felt ill.

My go-to method for dealing with just about anything is to ground first. I typically have no trouble grounding, and it tends to clear up almost anything. I couldn't do it. I could not get around her. She was insistent. I couldn't push her out with a shield. Her image and sensations stayed there, although she didn't necessarily feel like a sentient presence.

I asked my spirits to protect me, to let me learn what I was supposed to learn without letting it hurt me. I asked them what she was and what she wanted. My high elf ancestor, very pedagogically, suggested that I go to the cards. He, of course, suggested his favorite deck. He super likes these cards. I think he has some very insistent teacher feelings towards me and wants me to learn the tarot (which I have been putting off really getting down to doing in favor of using oracle cards which feel clearer and less intimidating to me.)

The Cards

The order goes from bottom, left to right; then top, right to left.
Image

At first I drew two cards. One for "Who is this?" and another for "What am I supposed to learn from this?"
Who is this? Five of cups. A loss. My first thought was of the most significant of the deaths I've had among my loved ones in the last year. But that didn't ring true. So I went on.
What am I supposed to learn from this? King of swords, reversed. I need to focus less on being guided by thoughts alone.

Oooooookay. I draw another card.
What am I supposed to do about this? Knight of wands, reversed. Lack of stability.

So I just sit there and stare at the spread and puzzle over it. It felt so disjointed to me. I couldn't quite string together what I was supposed to get out of this. A loss, too much focus on thoughts, and lack of stability. How was lack of stability even an action I was supposed to take?

So I draw a fourth card, again asking, What action am I supposed to take? Death, reversed. I am avoiding an important transition.

I stare at the spread some more, and then it all clunks into place.

The Meaning

Five of Cups - A loss

About this time last year I got my dream job. I style doll hair for small children. It is just the most fun and fulfilling thing ever for me. Lately my hours have been dwindling. It's not just me. Everyone at the store is having fewer and fewer hours. As in, some of us have four hours a week right now, and others have four hours every other week. I am so disappointed because I had hoped to become a thirty-hour employee by this time.

But life goes on, and needs must be met. So I picked up a second job. On paper it sounded really nice--another position playing with children,--but I was not excited about the prospect of spending so much time ferrying myself and my energies between two jobs, a handmade store, and all my responsibilities at home. Sometimes I feel like the engine of our little family, and it exhausts me. I was also disappointed that I wasn't spending as much time at the job I loved as I would want.

King of Swords, Reversed - Focus less on being guided by thoughts alone

The night before I was set to start the job, I mentioned my mixed feelings on here. Huffette reminded me to trust my intuition. Brim noted that nothing good had ever come from a mixed job she'd had mixed feelings about. I confess: I didn't take their wisdom all the way in. I didn't feel like my feelings were intuition so much as my emotions about a less than ideal situation. I thought it was me and my simple disappointment tainting my expectations.

Then Tuesday I went and had my first day. The children were precious and adorable. And I utterly failed to feel connected to them. Which basically never happens with me and children. I could not draw up any energy to even want to play with them. I realized that some of the practices there weren't up to the standard I would insist on as a parent. I could not make myself connect to that day in any way. And the more I thought about it the more repelled by the job I was.

I resolved to give it a few more days and give it a chance. See if I could come at it with fresh energy and expectations. After all, I'm an adult with responsibilities, and I shouldn't just dump an okay job, right? That's how I was thinking. I thought my way all around going back and giving it another shot.

Knight of Wands, Reversed - A lack of stability

Yesterday was supposed to be my second day. The night before, my son woke up at 2AM and stayed up all night. His nose ran and he coughed juicily. When he was eating breakfast the next morning, his hands shook. I couldnt bear to take him to daycare like that. So I called out to take care of him. I missed my second day of a brand new job.

Death, Reversed - I am avoiding an important transition

I drew these cards last night, and the decision started to become clear to me. I should resign and figure out something else. Take another chance. Maybe go to bat even harder at the doll job and wait out the inevitable resignations there. Spend more time meditating or on my store. Mind my mental health with great care. Something else.

But I was loathe to quit a job. I hate quitting jobs. I hate the word "quit" even though often that's what it's best for me to do when I'm seriously considering it. It's how I slogged through law school which was the worst run of depression I've ever had. I was so sick. I had a suicide plan. I thought about it all the time. And the best thing for me would have just been to get off the damn train. But I did not, because "quitting" feels so wrong and like a defeat instead of a decision. And that made everything so much worse.

So I whined at the cards, drew another, and basically asked them Really? Really quit? This is going to be really hard. It's not going to feel good at all.

The Moon, Reversed - Something I am not seeing clearly; spending too much time in the dark isn't good for me

Well, then. No. It would not feel good to quit. But ignoring Intuition and hanging on to that job was going to drag me through the dark for longer than would be good for me.

Resolution

So, today I quit. I'm terrified of how doing otherwise would have panned out to have ignored such a clear warning. And you know what? It is such an unexpected relief to have some time to myself to deal with the rest of my life that's not my dream job. I can spend the weekend with the (rather....in-law-y...) in-laws and deal with that situation on its own merits rather than having the added layer of just another thing on my plate.



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